Pride and Pressure

Migraines make me lonely

2006-12-11T18:23:00.000-08:00

I know it's just my body winding down after a stressful day of pretending like it didn't feel like there were ice picks being shoved through my eyeballs from the brain side, but I feel really bummed. I'm cold and tired and every tenth breath comes out in a shivery gasp because my stomach just tensed and made me feel like I was going to throw up, and now, I'm lonely. And you guys know me, I don't get lonely. My biggest complaint is usually that people talk to me too much and take up too much of my time. I hate this.

Anyway, enough blah, blah, blahging. I'm going to fix food. Will be better tomorrow. As always.

I know, I know . . . Chrissy . . . bridge . . . yes, I probably would

2006-12-11T07:27:00.000-08:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

NSFW . . .

2006-12-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

And definitely not comfortable. Who made this ad? The fuck, I ask you, the fuck?

Another great post titled "Oh my!"

2006-12-04T22:59:00.000-08:00

This could potentially be pretty damn hot. Go, Jamesy, go.

Well, Chrissy did it, so now I have to, too

2006-12-03T12:49:00.000-08:00

Ok, apparently I'm straight edge, which I had to go look up on Wikipedia. The fuck? Am not. I just thought Leonardo was a good role model for me when I was growing up.

[HIGH CLASS]
[ ] You went/go tanning.
[ ] You own something from Coach
[ ] You own something from Juicy Couture
[ ] You own something from Louis Vuitton
[ ] You own an iPod/MP3 player.
[x] You love Starbucks.
[x] You have been called a brat.
[ ] You have tons of shoes
[ ] You hate buying things that are on sale
Total: 2

[GOTH]
[x] Black is one of your favorite colors.
[ ] You wear chains.
[ ] You like heavy metal.
[x] You've shopped at Hot Topic.
[x] You have worn black lipstick.
[x] You dislike preps.
[ ] You have piercings
Total: 4 (shut up, I don’t need your guys’ approval)

[PUNK]
[ ] You can skateboard.
[ ] You wear plaid.
[x] You have/love Converse.
[ ] You hate MTV.
[x] You have/HAD/want blue, pink, red, purple, or green hair.
[ ] You love skater/surfer girls/boys. (is that the same as a sk8er boi?)
[ ] You dislike pink.
[x] You hate preps.
[ ] You wear tight pants
Total: 3

"EMO"
[ ] You are depressed sometimes.
[ ] You have black-rimmed glasses
[ ] You like the band Thursday.
[x] You cry easily.
[x] You like emo music. (again, don’t need your approval)
[ ] You hate being called emo.
[ ] You keep a journal/diary.
[x] You have written a sad poem
[x] You have thought about death.
Total: 4

[GHETTO/GANGSTA]
[ ] You like rap.
[ ] You have said "Fo Sho, Fo Shizzle, Fo Sheezy, etc"
[ ] You are in a gang
[ ] You [have] wear rubberbands in your pants.
[x] You swear a lot.
[ ] You have worn a grill.
[ ] You have had a freestyling contest.
[ ] You have worn Converse with the tongue flipped out.
Total: 1

[STRAIGHTEDGE]
[x] You like loud music
[x] You love the Ninja Turtles and/or Pokemon (just the Ninja Turtles, thank you very much)
[ ] You never walk anywhere.
[x] You wear slip-on shoes.
[ ] You love Norma Jean.
[ ] You wear band t-shirts.
[x] People have called you a freak and meant it. (Ahh, the people I worked with at Applebee’s led sheltered lives.)
[ ] You love to "hardcore" dance
[x] Your hair has been dyed more than one color.
[x] You wear blue jeans.
Total: 5

[PREP]
[ ] You love The OC
[ ] You have/had a tiny/medium sized dog.
[ ] Your usual outfits consist of pink.
[ ] You like buying shoes A LOT.
[ ] You shop at AE, HOLLISTER, A&F, etc. (how dare you ask me that question?!?)
[ ] You love to shop.
[x] You love jeans.
[ ] You like Paris Hilton (she makes a great sex video, but no)
[ ] Getting your nails done is a fun thing
[ ] You wear big sunglasses.
Total: 1

[Athletic]
[x] You watch the Superbowl. (for the ads, bitches)
[x] You own track shoes or cleats other sports related shoes.
[ ] You collect your jerseys.
[ ] You have/ had a special shelf for trophies and awards.
[ ] You have/had posters or plaques of famous athletes.
[ ] Your garage/shed consists [has consisted] of sports equipment.
[x] You belong/belonged to a school team.
[ ] You are going to/did join a sports team
[ ] You have a specific number preferred for your jersey.
Total: 3

[Scene]
[ ] You wear little tiny bows in your hair
[ ] You like Mardi Gras beads, pearls and plastic beads
[ ] You have at least 3 shirts with tiny designs all throughout the shirt
[ ] You like the mini-skirt
[ ] You part your hair far to the side
[x] You think polka-dots are way cute
[ ] You have shopped at Charlotte Russe
[ ] You have done a peace sign while you pose for a picture
[ ] You've been called scene before
Total: 1

[REDNECK]
[ ] Gone four wheeling
[ ] Went hunting
[ ] Owned a four-wheeler or dirt bike
[ ] Love to go fishing
[ ] Eat jerky
[ ] Ever said GIT-R-DONE
[ ] Ever owned or rented a Blue Collar Comedy movie
[ ] You have gotten fucked up and drove a four-wheeler in to a tree
[ ] Gone to the mud runs
[ ] Listen to the Song Redneck Woman

Total : 0 (thank fuck)

I demand lyrics in the cover art to CDs

2006-12-03T12:27:00.000-08:00

I never thought this would be a serious issue for me, but it is. Some of you will know that I love The Get Up Kids. Go Missouri-bred bands, there are so few of you.

So here's the issue, they didn't have their lyrics in the cover art for the CD. I can look up the lyrics online, but those people are just transcribing what they hear half the time anyway. They don't know. So here's the line that's troubling me:
"Blind faith doesn't make a sale"
or is it:
"Blind faith doesn't make a sail"?

Logic leans toward the first, but a case could be made for the second as well. It's a little more metaphorical, but the whole song is a collection of one line metaphors and imagery so there's no real reason that that couldn't be the case.

Fucking homonyms.

Great Headline!

2006-11-18T23:15:00.000-08:00

Does it bother anyone else that our president's thinking is breaking news?

Unless they're just trying to say he's fucked it up.

Also a great line:

"Hadley suggested the president was getting a feel for the country by watching people from the window of his armoured limousine as he was being shuttled around town."

Oh my!

2006-08-26T23:02:00.000-07:00

I bought the Pink Spiders CD Teenage Grafitti which is apparently a sophomore effort. (Yes, I have been waiting a long time to say that). $8 at Target. Buy it!

I now have the strangest desire to have Little Razorblade as a pet name. It's not even a nice thing. He's saying it to a girl he doesn't want to be with any more. But I'm in love.

Also, "pretty as a car crash" and "sexy as the stinger of a hornet in your arm" are some pretty great lines.

Those Wild & Crazy Christians

2006-08-23T19:56:00.000-07:00

So I picked up a religious tract, as I'm wont to do when bored while doing laundry. I'd like to read to you a passage about whether or not the holy spirit is a person.* However, I can't read it to you, so I shall type to you a passage:

"When Mary, the mother of Jesus, visited her cousin Elizabeth, the Bible says that the unborn child in Elizabeth's womb leaped, "and Elizabeth was filled with holy spirit." (Luke 1:41) Is it reasonable that a person would be "filled" with another person?"

So, am I as sick as I think I must be to think, "Well, if he's big enough"? Probably, but seriously, the question is just gagging for a dirty response. I would almost think it was deliberate, but nothing else in the pamphlet is nearly as funny.

*Incidentally, in case you were wondering, the Holy Spirit, according to this tract, is not a person. It's a spirit. No, I don't think that that conclusion didn't require 2 pages worth of argument to prove it. Why do you ask?

No fair

2006-08-21T19:50:00.000-07:00

It's one of the first days in months that I started out doing everything I was supposed to, and I get a migraine.

I went for a run. I was well-hydrated. I didn't have coffee (well, I did after the migraine started, but still). I got plenty of sleep.

What did I do wrong? Fucking genetics. I'll kill them.

Snakes on a Plane

2006-08-18T15:23:00.000-07:00

I have to admit, I'm surprised by the reaction to this movie. I expected moral outrage over this movie. I mean, I get why I'm gagging to see it. It's like a massive marketing experiment being performed on the whole of America. But why is everyone else so excited.

Here's this massively slick marketing campaign dressed up to look like the studio awarded its contract to someone whose main qualification was a successful middle school campaign for student body president (despite the fact that their presidential duties would get in the way of their time to create an ad campaign). All of this being done with the assumption that America lacks the savvy necessary to get what's going on. And to my horrified fascination, it's WORKING.

So, People Who Assume the American Public is Retarded: 1. People Who Think Americans are Fairly Intelligent: 0. Whatever.

The think I really don't get is that people who are in general really intelligent are the ones really psyched to see this. I know that they know that it's a bad movie and all, but don't they get that they are being just a little manipulated. They're assuming that they are cleverer than the ad/marketing people because they get that the ads suck. But the ads are meant to suck. And the marketing people still end up with your money at the end of the day.

Whatev.

Is it wrong

2006-08-07T22:03:00.000-07:00

that I think I like 30 Seconds to Mars now because the lead singer wears eye liner? Probably, but if it is, I don't want to be right.

Anyone want to volunteer

2006-07-31T07:34:00.000-07:00

for this?

I just have to know.

A Random Selection of my Thoughts for Your Perusal

2006-07-30T21:56:00.000-07:00

Some good Ali quotes:
1. "Douche kitten" -- Yes, this is an actual insult that my sister used in reference to me. I think she's entirely too excited about the new kitten she's been promised. On the other hand, my mother spent the cruise calling my sister and I "hoe-bags." So we know where Ali gets her language. I, of course, don't talk like that at all. Except for most of the time.

2. "If you call someone who's boring vanilla, then I think you and I are like Bertie Botts Every Flavor ice cream." -- I like to think that this is a pretty fair assessment.

Some other random points:

1. I've never kept such good track of my cell phone or kept it so regularly well charged as I have for the last few weeks. It's a lot of work to be this responsible.

2. What am I going to wear in exactly 43 days? Chrissy? Ali? Mom? This is an important question.

3. How did I manage to spend as much money as I spent last month? And why did none of you stop me?

4. I have a pretty new shirt, bracelet, and ring! Pictures may or may not be forthcoming. (On a side note, I may have just had an epiphany regarding number 3).

5. Who took my measuring tape? I need it to finish the back of my sweater that has been in progress for decades. Yes, decades.

So I was at Target today

2006-07-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

And I saw someone who was incredibly nice. How do I know? She had obviously let a blind person do her make-up. Which is kind of sweet, you know?

Oops, my bitchiness is showing. That's the second time today. Someone get me a safety pin or something.

Oops, can't forget this one

2006-07-12T23:15:00.000-07:00

I promise I'll be better tomorrow. I think they got the alcohol part, but my caffiene addiction level is low? Is not.

You Are an Irish Coffee

At your best, you are: wild, spontaneous, and outgoing

At your worst, you are: too extreme and reckless

You drink coffee when: you want to keep drinking booze

Your caffeine addiction level: low

What Kind of Coffee Are You?

Oh God, I've rediscovered BlogThings

2006-07-12T23:06:00.000-07:00

Gummy Bears

You may be smooshie and taste unnatural, but you're so darn cute.

What Kind of Candy Are You?

And this one:

You Are Socks!

Cozy and warm... but easily lost.
You make a good puppet.

What Crappy Christmas Gift Are You?

I am not a good puppet. Well, maybe.

I kind of figured this one would turn out this way when I responded that Yes, Easter is a religious holiday -- I worship at the altar of Peeps. Peep, Peep!

You Are Peeps

You're the type that's more likely to play with your food than actually eat it.

What Easter Candy Are You?

Greatest picture ever

2006-07-11T19:58:00.000-07:00

I think this has something to do with the World Cup/Zidane Head Butt Debacle, but doesn't it look like the Lego Boys are getting it on?

Girls for Lego on Lego Action. Inside joke.

For the record

2006-07-10T18:18:00.000-07:00

This morning I decided that I loathe the use of the word "innocent" as a noun. I will henceforth refuse to understand the word used that way in all speech and writing. Please adjust your communications accordingly.

Some things to remember

2006-07-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

1. If you don't eat before you take your vitamins, the vitamins get hungry and try to eat your flesh from the stomach out.

2. It's not good to wake up at 6 am after going to sleep at 1 am.

3. Don't randomly decide to add a mile to the middle of what was going to be a 2 mile run. Especially not when the last mile is a steady upward slope.

4. If you decide to run 3 miles for no reason, for God's sake, don't go for a long walk over by the ocean. I'm really tired now.

5. Be careful when parking in North Beach. People attempt to commit suicide using your car as a weapon.

6. Driving on the hills on Filbert will seriously make you lose your appetite. I thought I was going to toss my cookies. Not cool in the new car.

7. One of the greatest things about the Sunset is that the streets going north-south are numbered, and the streets going east-west are in alphabetical order. It would take an act of God for even me to get lost. It helps that the ocean always tells you which way is west.

8. I love Billy Joel. In general, the 80s were great times. I can totally identify with a decade where the drug of choice was cocaine. No injections. You never have to sleep again. And nosebleeds are hot, right?

Contrast that with the 90s. Heroin? What the hell? I'm gonna stick a needle in my vein for a high from a souped up version of granny's pain meds? No.

'Course, I did have that nasty marker sniffing addiction during the 80s. You know, the fruity smelling ones. It was tough to quit.

9. Lynn shouldn't read other people's stories. 'Cuz we all know what happens then.

10. Don't get into a fight with a pigeon. We all know who would win.

11. People who read this blog should comment. It makes me happy.

Dear Ketel One Drinker

2006-06-28T08:01:00.000-07:00

Please view this ad.

Countdown

2006-06-25T18:11:00.000-07:00

That's right, less than one week until the big move. In honor of that, I'd like to tell you guys a little about Daly City.

It's disturbingly easy to leave without knowing it. For the longest time, I thought the second Target was in Daly City. You know, the Target that's less than half a mile from the first Target. It's not, it's in Colma (AKA Deathville). This morning, for instance, I decided to try to get home a different way. All the sudden I'm in Pacifica. I don't even know where the fuck that is!

I'm also squarely in the minority here. So when I go for a walk or a run, small Asian women watering their lawns eye me unpleasantly, because being a minority, I obviously feel compelled by forces I can't explain to pillage, loot, and plunder.

Daly City has been described as "the ugliest city in America." Obviously that person didn't like post-modern architecture. Or was squeamishly purist about it. I personally enjoy Bauhaus style architecture painted in Coke Nosebleed Pink (AKA 80s hot pink). It's deliciously tacky.

Finally, you have to know that Daly City is a haven for the crafting community. Because anytime you talk about any kind of crafting, someone will say that the cheapest place to get supplies is Beverly's in Daly City. I'm not kidding. This has happened multiple times.

All in all, not a bad place to live. And the ocean's right over that cliff. Almost completely inaccessible, but it's there.

Is it love if . . .

2006-06-09T17:19:00.000-07:00

. . . your tummy gets all shivery every time a boy opens his mouth? 'Cuz if so, I'm in love with The Get Up Kids. Yes, the whole band. I want a boy to say to me, "Trespass fits you like a charm." In case anyone was wondering why Lynn doesn't have a boyfriend I think that statement gets at the heart of it: there is something fundamentally wrong with what I want out of a boyfriend. Seriously, who would say that to someone?

Also received Arrested Development Season One and Two. Jason Bateman hotness. Mmmm.

Plans for the weekend:
Friday -
1. Be tired.
2. Watch Arrested Development and craft.

Saturday -
1. Do laundry.
2. Write for Ginjg.

Sunday -
1. Go to the flea market/hope to buy cool stuff.
2. Go see Missy Higgins, OAR, and Cake at GG Park.

I'm tired just thinking about it, but how cool is Sunday going to be?

I just want to let you know . . .

2006-05-31T23:02:00.000-07:00

You guys are terrible at being adoring fans.

WTF, MySpace? WTF?

2006-05-29T16:40:00.000-07:00

Why did all the bands I like decide to make it so I can't have their music on my MySpace? MC Lars has a song called "Download this Song" that they're too good to let me have on my profile. Whatever. Screw you guys!!!

Do still check out MC Lars though. Most of you will massively enjoy the "Hot Topic is Not Punk Rock" song. Tres funny.

When do I get to leave here again?

2006-05-29T13:43:00.000-07:00

You have to be a special kind of stupid to be unable to turn on any water source without drenching the entire floor of the room you are in. The bathroom, I kinda get, but our kitchen is pretty damn big.

Edit: Oh, and I don't even want to talk about the laziness involved in filling the trash can until the bag rips and then leaving milk cartons on the floor beside the trash can rather than taking the trash out.

An Open Letter to the Producers of Fox's House and More Generally to all Television Producers*

2006-05-25T19:54:00.000-07:00

Dear Producers of Fox's House and other television shows,

Do you know how many people die on average in a year? No, this letter is not a threat. Approximately 2,443,387 die each year.**

What does that have to do with you?

Good question, obviously, you're the sort of people who don't want to waste their time on things that don't matter.

Assuming that people are dying at all times of year equally (which I guess you could quibble about if you were the sort of sick person who wanted to determine when people were most likely to die. You aren't those sort of people, are you???), we can assume that in a three month, say June through August, period 615,867.4 people will die. In case you were wondering, the .4 person will probably die shortly after midnight at the end of the three months; he's only partly dead.

So in June, July and August, over half a million people are going to die. They'll die from heart disease, cancer, diabetes, flu/pneumonia, even from nephrosis (that has nothing to do with fucking dead people . . . sicko). Almost 27,000 of them will die from accidents in those three months. My point is not all of these are old people who just don't care anymore and have lost all interest in the world around them. Some of these people were just trying to clean out the gutters because their wives wouldn't quit nagging at them and all of the sudden -- whoops!

Some of these people watch your show. 615,867 people will never have the chance to find out if House is going to live (okay, so it's a given that he's going to live because otherwise you would have to change the name of the show, but some people aren't as clever as you and me), will never find out if Cameron and House are going to do it, will never find out if Foreman will ever confess his burgeoning attraction to House, will never find out if House is really giving Cutty injections of heroine (you know, as a really funny joke that only he would get. Do you really want to live with that kind of guilt?

In addition, you ended the season really badly. 90% of the episode was a dream. A dream? So is Bobby going to come back from the dead next season too? Essentially, your season finale was like telling 615,897 people half of a story, then telling them that yes, that outfit makes them look fat, and you never really liked their cooking right before they die.

Smooth.

Sincerely,
Lynn Dalsing

* Open letters seem to be all the rage these days. But if you feel like being a rebel, you can consider this a closed letter.

** Stats according to National Center for Health Statistics

Hope you're ready to do some reading . . .

2006-05-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Because this is going to be my main online forum for at least a little while. With that in mind, here's an article from Adfreak that some of you will find more interesting than others. You'll notice I couldn't keep my mouth shut and had to say something at the bottom. Oops.

Pinup Barbies

The new car

2006-05-14T21:44:00.000-07:00

Not a bad picture for a cheapie digital camera. Not a great one either, but you get the idea.

World Horror Con 2006

2006-05-13T23:28:00.000-07:00

So I went to World Horror Con. Scratch that, I went to the Bizarro Books World Horror Con After-Party. I know you all feel special just knowing me, but try to take the excitement down a notch.

I went with Nicole from the Chris Moore board. She's going to have her book published by a publishing house that published Bizarro Books (I did not previously know that this was a genre. You learn something every day). So she wanted to meet her editors, et al while they were in the Northern California area (as opposed to Seattle). I just went because, well, now I can say I was at World Horror Con. I'm never going to pay to go to a horror or sci-fi convention so now I've had the experience without the cost. Always a plus.

It was kind of a trip. I'm rarely in the coolest 10% of people in a room. Oddly, it felt about like being in the least cool 10% of the room. I totally did not fit in there. Still everyone was super nice, and they gave me free beer. Which was home-brewed and each kind of beer was one of the labels that Bizarro Books publish under. For example, the label Nicole is being published by was an Amber Ale. I drank that, and then gave Nicole the bottle (She did ask for it. I didn't make her take it). Her editor told her that maybe one day, she could have the cover of her book on a bottle of Afterbirth Beer. Nicole was not that excited by that. I don't blame her.

All in all, a fun evening. I met someone from a book store (Note the trouble I went to to avoid any google-able names. I've learned a lesson. Hopefully, it was my lesson and not someone else's) who was on Chris Moore's blog. When I misunderstood this to mean that she posted on the message board, I was quickly corrected. She was actually in the blog. Not like in the computer server that stores the blog, like Chris mentioned her in the blog. I know I'm a fan geek, but I don't cream myself every time that Chris responds to a post of mine. Hell, he obliquely mentioned me in a news article, and I'm not sitting around building a shrine to my brush with greatness. He's just a guy. Note: This statement no longer applies if he ever, in the course of writing the pilot that he's writing, meets Vince Vaughn and can get me the hook-up. Obviously, VV and I are meant to be together, but no need to wait on destiny, right?

Well, Chrissy will be calling me CP if I go on any longer, and it's late. It's so late that I'm obliged to say Happy Mother's Day because it is in fact Mother's Day in MO. So happy, happy! I think I'll wait 'til later to call Mom, though . . . .

Please scroll down, there is another post after this one

2006-04-28T18:45:00.000-07:00

I said I would post this a bajillion decades ago. I'm posting it now. Tough.

Operation V

Exactly 25 hours and 19 minutes past midnight, I realized this was a shitty way to keep time. Yet another part of Operation V that just wasn’t what we planned.

00:00 Hours

We started at midnight the day before because we had some . . . pre-planning to do. Nick and Jimmy had to make a beer run, again. That might have been our first mistake. No, letting Nick and Jimmy come over had been mistakes one and two. There’s no point counting past that.

01:30 Hours

“Guys, we could do this. We could go down in world-fucking-history!”

“Nick, that’s the stupidest plan I’ve ever heard.” I was three drinks behind everyone else.

Nick looked at me. He handed me another MGD.

Jimmy took over persuasion for the moment. “Alan, dude, you always said it was a stupid fucking marketing ploy. You said you thought they were total assholes. That it was capitalizing on the joy and excitement of small children in a way that would make Mussolini cry.”

Amazing that Jimmy, completely shit-faced at this point, could remember almost verbatim what I had said months ago. A testament to my eloquence, or his determination to do something incredibly stupid. I had to say it, “Jimmy, it’s not even –”

“You guys remember how in The Lion King Simba falls down and all the seeds spell out ‘sex.’ That was way cool.”

I looked at Kevin. Not too bright, and not helping at all.

Nick laughed. “You were watching The Lion King for sex? No wonder you’re not getting any.” He did the loser cough.

I couldn’t condone that.

“Oh, ‘cause the loser cough is cool. You aren’t even doing it right.”

“Like you can do it better.”

01:47 Hours

“Loser!”

“No, like this. Loser!”

“Loser!” Hack, hack, hack. “I need another beer. So do you, Alan. Loosen up, man, or this plan isn’t going to work.”

“We’re not doing it.”

Kevin finally joined the dark side. “Come on, Alan, it could be pretty cool.”

“Kevin, it doesn’t even –”

“Here. Drink. Now.”

06:10 Hours

“This could totally work. But we gotta do it right.” I gestured emphatically with my beer. Which didn’t spill because it was empty. Stupid fucking half-full beer bottles, yet another marketing ploy.

“Definitely.”

“We wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“We gotta have a plan. We don’t even have a fucking plan.” This was the saddest thing I’d ever heard in my life. So I repeated it. “We don’t even have a fucking plan!”

“We do have a plan. That’s what we’re saying. Focus, A, we go in wearing the Disney costumes,” Jimmy started.

“Who’s going to be Mickey?”

“Kevin, who the fuck cares who’s going to be Mickey?”

“Well, I’m not going to be Goofy.”

“Of course, you’re going to be Goofy,” Jimmy told him.

“Why?” Kevin whined.

“Because you’re the tallest. And because you got all gay on us over The Lion King.”

“I did not! I was just saying that it was cool!” Kevin protested.

“Whatever. Focus, dipshit, I’m talking about the plan.”

“Fine.” Now, Kevin sulked. He has many talents.

“So point one, Disney costumes. Point two, bathroom. Point three, ditch the costumes and climb into the ventilation system. It can’t fail.”

“But, man, we don’t have the costumes,” I said. Inexplicably, this was even sadder than not having a plan. “We have the plan, but no costumes.”

Nick punched my shoulder. “No worries. We’ll get the costumes, A. Have another beer.”

“Nicky, man, you’re awesome. You should be Mickey. Guys, Nicky should be Mickey.” I laughed. “Nicky, Mickey, Nicky, Mickey. Hey, where’d the beer go?”

24:47 Hours

“Jesus, I feel like shit.” I groaned. “I feel like there’s fucking hamster using my stomach as an exercise wheel. I feel like my brain liquefied and is draining into my throat. I feel like I just saw my parents having a threesome with our math teacher, Mrs. Ennis.”

“Dude, shut the fuck up. We’re laying in wait.” For some reason, Jimmy sounded like the voice of doom.

Something was wrong. “Lying in wait,” I corrected. But something was still wrong. “Guys, I feel like I’m in a square metal tunnel.”

“You are. We’re in the ventilation shaft. It’s all part of the plan.”

Well, as long as it was part of the plan, that was fine.

“What time is it?” I asked.

“Twenty-four hours and forty-seven minutes into Operation V,” Kevin said.

“Regular pair of double-O-fucking-sevens you two are. Shut the fuck up.” I was getting the doom vibe from Nick, too. Odd.

“Operation V. Operation V,” I repeated, trying to remember something.

25:15 Hours

“Oh, holy fuck! We have got to get out of here, guys!” I remembered.

“Dude, be quiet! You want the security guard to make another round this way?”

“Don’t you understand? It’s not a real place! It’s not a real place!”

Jimmy made calming gestures with his arms that made the metal sides of the ventilation ducts vibrate. “You can’t freak out on us now. We’ve just gotta get the job done.”

“No, you moron, you don’t get it. There is no Disney vault! They made it up. We can’t storm the Disney vault and break out 101 Dalmatians and The Great Mouse Detective because there is no Disney vault.”

Nick, Jimmy, and Kevin looked at each other.

“Oh, well, fuck.”

“Hey, who’s up there? Where’re you at?” The security guard.

“Yeah, fuck.”

If I kill my roommate, you guys will tell the police it was a pre-emptive strike, right?

2006-04-28T18:38:00.000-07:00

So I come home today to find that my entire house smells like gas. Do I have a gas leak? No. My roommate tried to turn on the stove, and she let the gas run forever. It's really hard to get the ignitor to strike. Which is why we have about four hundred matches. So we can just light the burner instead of letting the ignitor pump gas through the whole house.

I've told her this before. Now, I'm not her mommy, but I don't want to die. Especially not in a ball of flame that will be visible well out to sea. Sigh.

I've added a link to the right for Shop Fruitbat. Shop early, shop often.

Is it wrong that I'm having a seriously difficult time choosing between going to see Stick It and Thank You for Smoking? Probably. But I want to see them both.

SoKD&S

2006-03-27T19:55:00.000-08:00

For the ADJ tour, Books Inc is having a "Your Dirtiest Job" contest. Check me out:

The SoKD&S

by Lynn Dalsing

My parents are antique dealers. So naturally before my first “real job,” I made some cash trying my hand at the family business. Sounds okay, right? A little fucking kooky, but okay. Wrong.

What you don’t know about is the Shed of Kitten Death and Spiders (or the SoKD&S).

My family stored most of what I bought in the SoKD&S because most of what I bought was total shit. It was dirty and bug-filled, and no one wanted it in the house. You wouldn’t want this stuff. I didn’t want it. But there was someone out there who did, probably from San Francisco. Going into that shed to get my shit to price out was terrifying.

The SoKD&S was the downfall of three, yes three, of my tiny feline pets. They would sneak in, and something would fall on them or they’d eat some sort of pesticide. But there’s only so much an unexpectedly dead cat can do to you, and that mainly includes rigor mortising at you and rotting menacingly.

The real problem with the SoKD&S was the spiders. They were really fucking big. There were some unexplained kitten disappearances which I blame on the spiders. Between me and my tacky ‘60s barware was an army of spiders with legs longer than mine.

I’ve since gone on to waiting tables, then office jobs. Employers seem to like me because, let’s face it, after the SoKD&S, there’s very little I’m not prepared to do for cash.

TOYS!!! Really gross toys

2006-03-27T19:09:00.000-08:00

I've been calling the few people who wanna hear about my life rather than blogging. So I thought I'd give you a little something for checking in. If you are in fact checking in . . .

No spoilers, but this is connected with ADJ: Curious Monstrosities

And this is connected to the thing that is connected to ADJ. The lady who created the fab animal people also founded Zombie Pinups. I wish I was cool enough to be making this shit up.

Favorite Weekly World News Headline of the Week

2006-03-16T16:38:00.000-08:00

Computer virus spread to humans.

Why do my Google searches always end in emotional turmoil and rage?

2006-02-26T14:07:00.000-08:00

Someone on the Chris Moore board (I'm not making another link for you lazy bastards, so scroll down) googled "fucktard" (which we pretty much credit Chris with) in the book search. And now so have I. There were quite a few entries. One was Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild. Not a nice book for liberals. Kind of pisses me off. So that's our subject for today.

The excerpt which has fucktard in it discusses message boards on FuckYouBush.com "where everyone refers to Bush as a fucktard." They're lovely quotes, available here (though I think you have to have a gmail/google account to view it).

This stupid woman is using Chris' word against us to make us look like we're all crass and crude extremist left-wing psychos. That's not fair, is it? I know when I get frustrated I tend to just say, "Oh, fuck a duck, our president is an idiot." But I mean, what use is reasoned argument against the Word of God as channeled through the White House Ouija Board.

I really don't hate all conservatives. I just think it's so wrong that this woman is judging people for giving vent to their feelings on something this important. I think most of the people who read this blog know that I cried at work in London the day that we knew the election results. I cried when I was arguing with some Christian bitch about abortion (and she felt bad which made me happier about looking like a fucking idiot). To me, and a lot of other people, politics is a really emotionally charged issue. It ties into what we believe is right and wrong. And sometimes, we don't take care to make sure that no one's feelings get hurt.

Anyway, love to hear your responses people. Am I wrong? I mean, at times, I get what the woman is saying, but I really think she's reading too much into sarcasm and venting. Am I overreacting? Obviously, this woman doesn't deserve this kind of time and attention, since she's the kind of person who has nothing better to do that scour the entire internet for things that show how right she is. And Chrissy, is this the conservative Michelle that got all knocked up and shit and had to leave college? Perhaps while she stays inside to breed, her family looks tolerantly upon book learnin' which promotes the cause?

British Guys Mocking my Country Sound Like This

2006-02-19T13:48:00.000-08:00

Jeff, one of the guys off the Chris Moore Message Board, composed this excellent song (©2006 All rights reserved. Jeff Yates) which I thought I would share with you.

Also, Chrissy tells me the link below does not go where I think it goes. Sometimes, I'm not too bright. I'll upload the document to my Tripod space and post it again once I have time and a title (she says, as though anyone cares).

Take that stupid genre-hating teacher

2006-02-16T22:15:00.000-08:00

I think this may be the first piece of fiction I've started and finished in a year, possibly two. That's sad, but the story's kind of funny.

No matter how provoking pedestrians may be . . .

2006-02-12T13:02:00.000-08:00

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

Soaring to new lows

2006-02-11T21:06:00.000-08:00

I've always kind of felt that I'm way in touch with my inner audience. Big scores in movies get me a gaspy and tensed up because something fabulous is about to happen. I'm not only willing to suspend disbelief through a movie, it's like I've been sitting around all my life to believe in what's going on in this particular movie that I'm watching.

I've kind of secretly felt like this makes me a very interesting person to watch watching a movie. Ali's the same way. Many people will recall the "Simba, it's not your fault!!!" incident when we went to see The Lion King. Others will remember the time that Ali and I went to see Big Fish together. We were mocked for our sobbing and sopping wet faces. ("I'd offer you a tissue, but I'm fresh out.")

The ultimate end of this is that I can be very particular about the reality of books and movies after I'm finished with them. I can remember hearing, "It's just TV!" in my house more often than just about anything that was said. With the possible exception of "Bite me!" I got that way with the book Company most recently. 'Course that's part of the surprise so I can't tell you yet.

My point here is that I just finished watching Elf ($4.99 at my ~~friendly~~ neighborhood Goodwill) and I cried. It's not even freaking Christmas. And I cried a lot. Not just teary-eyed. I was crying.

We've officially soared to new lows.

More of the world in review

2006-02-10T21:24:00.000-08:00

I know, you're tired of my lame commentary on movies, TV, and other assorted stuff, but just one more . . . please . . .

So I watched Bewitched. It was so much better than I expected. It was an interesting take on a remake. It also takes a few shots at "cashing in on nostalgia rather than coming up with something new."

But the best thing about it (besides Nicole Kidman, who's always fabulous) was Will Ferrell. Now you guys know I don't say that very often. My usual prescription for Will Ferrell is "take only when necessary." Much like Ben Stiller. So here he is in a lead role, and I love him. I think it's because when he goes really whack at the end, he has a reason. It's not something dreadfully normal that he freaks about just to make a funny. It's freaking weird, and I can see why he's freaked.

I'm just going to use this opportunity to petition the Powers that Be (and no one but Ali would consent to read those books so you don't even know what I'm talking about) for witchhood. I would only use my powers for good. I would work hard and study to become the best witch I could be. I would stalwartly refuse to wear ruby slippers so as not to give an inaccurate idea of my way of life. I would not terrorize "little people." I would not say You Know Who's name out loud. I would not turn small children into toad (I make no promises about mid-sized children, they're really obnoxious). So can I, please? Please, please, please.

Oh, and I further promise to rid the world of vampires, war, smog, mid-sized children, werewolves, hunger, and anybody who didn't think that American Beauty was over-rated. Thank you for considering me for this position.

My plan to make the world a better place . . .

2006-02-08T21:56:00.000-08:00

How's everybody holdin' up out there? Seems like I might have outstripped your ability to comment. You doin' okay? You want a SO-da?

Screw it, I tried.

Just finished watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith through Movie Link (with my mama's fab free credits). Good movie. Glad to see Vince Vaughn setting my heart a-flutter like always. ("Why would you bring my mom into this? She's a first-class lady.") I did worry for a while that the movie was going to go all Butch Cassidy and the Sun Dance Kid on me, but all was well. I do have to agree that the amorphous monster that is Brangelina had a lot of on-screen chemistry. Plus, that was the first time I didn't think Angelina Jolie looked weird. And let's face it, Adam Brody looked way hotter than Brad Pitt.

It took me a few times to catch Jennifer Morrison (aka Cameron from House) as one of the assistant girls. She seemed very wooden. It makes me wonder if she was nervous around Angelina.

And speaking of House (we've basically been leading up to this from the get-go), you wouldn't think to look at him that Hugh Laurie needs to spend all his time sans shirt, would you? I mean, I've always thought he was cute, but little did I know. Damn, I mean, DAMN. He had his shirt off last night to do it with his married ex-girlfriend, and that made me happy.

So here's my plan, we get the writers of Underworld, Part Deux (were there writers or did someone just grab a middle schooler's journal before heading to the set?), and we have them start writing House. I know that the quality of the show will go down a little, but the Underworld writers really know how to set the scene so that the loss of a shirt is necessary every 6.5 seconds. The amount of time Scott Speedman spent with his shirt on in that movie was negligible. And there's something in this for everyone. Those poor Underworld writers wouldn't know what to do if there wasn't a girl in a leather jumpsuit and corset (unless she's having sex with a shirtless guy, that's permissible). So what does everyone think? I'd have a pic to get you motivated, but a Google image search for Hugh Laurie naked or shirtless or without a shirt didn't turn anything up. Sorry.

Oh God, I feel like a sports fan . . .

2006-02-06T08:06:00.000-08:00

Wow, so I'm noticing that of all the blogs I read(aside from AdFreak of course), I'm the only one who blogged the Super Bowl, and I really went on about it. I'd like to clarify that I was knitting and drinking a Starbucks doubleshot when not writing my reactions (such as they were). I wasn't drinking Bud Light and grilling. I'm just sayin' is all (Oh, God, Chris Moore will be here in a month and a half and I don't have any pop music junk to give to him, wonder if he'd like the Jesus postcard?).

Anyway, wanted to check in to comment on AdFreak's Super Bowl commentary. They were blogging in real-time. I read it after the game had finished and I just want to find out if it's wrong that the only thing I got out of it was that Catharine P. Taylor either doesn't know what peccadillo means or she's just using it in an odd way. The word, in general, means a sin or more uncommonly (IMHO) a flaw. She keeps using it in a place where "peculiarity" or "pet peeve" would make more sense. It's possible she's calling her peculiarity a flaw and thus using the word correctly, but oddly. Still, I do not think that word means what she thinks it means . . .

Please, someone, tell me that I'm not getting stupidly caught up in semantics and that it's annoying when someone uses a word like that multiple times without seeming to know what it means. Right???

Where were the bowls? And why were they so super?

2006-02-05T19:17:00.000-08:00

Random thoughts on Super Bowl XL, also known as the day I bought a glue gun and finished my uber-cute bag (yes, I now know none of you stole my yarn needle, STFU already!!):

o The Seattle Seahawks came out to Bittersweet Symphony. That makes them my new/first favorite football team.

o What was up with the freaky Dr. Seuss reading to open the game??? Did the big bad football players need an ego boost? Has anyone studied the effect of the this? Maybe Dr. Seuss could really affect the outcomes of major games. But I’m not sure we should use the Power of Seuss for such tawdry ends . . .

o Does anyone who actually wants to see football enjoy this? There’s almost no football at all. There’s lots of talking, lots of commercials, but it’s like Diet Football.

o Pizza Hut: The Pizza Hut commercial with a play on Jessica Simpson’s terrible version of “These Boots are Made for Walking” sucked. I’m not soon going to forgive her for that one.

o Disney World: I did adore the Disney World commercial with all the football players practicing how they were gonna say “I’m going to Disney World.” Is that because of my age. I was pretty young when that was a big deal. Any other Eighties’ Babies out there think it was really funny? How ‘bout everybody else?

o Budweiser Office Commercial: Not all that funny. Who decided that was Super Bowl material? I guess corporate humor is really hot now. Le sigh.

o Whopperettes: I wasn’t feeling it until they sang about “the freaky King” and did the dog-pile on the bun girl thing.

o Bud Light Magic Fridge/Secret Revolving Wall: Possibly one of my favorite commercials of all time. It’s funny and highlights an actual benefit of the product, ie it tastes good enough to hide and good enough to worship if it spins into your living room.

o Camry Hybrid: Bizarro. Who are these two people with their accents? Why are we watching them?

o FedEx Cavemen: He kicked a tiny dinosaur. And the fact that that’s all I can think probably says something. Whether about me or the effectiveness of the ad, I couldn’t say.

o Diet Pepsi/P. Diddy: No, Jay Mahr, no. Why? Not funny, doesn’t highlight a benefit. Lame.

o Spock for Aleve: Nice “hero” spot. Made me giggle.

o Rooftop Bud Light: It was funnier before the guy fell through the roof. It was enough to have everyone in the neighborhood “fixing” stuff on the roof to go up and drink.

o Diet Pepsi/Jackie Chan: Okay, that was funny. Especially when they used Diet Coke for a stunt double.

o Mustang: Really generic. But at least it wasn’t Celine Dion.

o Clydesdale Football, Streaker: Not all that funny. But I don’t think I’m in the target demographic.

o CareerBuilder Monkeys: I’m never going to tire of the monkeys in the office. And now there’re jack-asses, too.

o Cadillac Escalade: A car is not a dress. It’s not a fashion. Not even to people who have a lot of money. They’re still more concerned about the fact that their car works and is safe. Right?

o Dove Self-Esteem: I love it. I love that there’s a commercial for women on the Super Bowl. I love that they didn’t let the stupid people who criticized their real beauty campaign convince them to do something different. One of the campaigns that I think can make a difference in people’s lives while still being successful as ads, ie they sell stuff. This is what a corporation can do, but usually doesn’t.

o Ford Escape Hybrid: I like Kermit. I like Hybrids. So two-thumbs up.

o Michelob Ultra Amber: That girl kicked that guy’s ass. Go girls.

o GoDaddy.com: Dumb. That’s all they deserve from me.

o Gillette Fusion: Five blades? Five? When will it end???

o Overstock.com: Do they seriously still think that they’re boringly salacious “O” ads are interesting?

o United Airlines: I liked the cartoon look of this commercial. Also, the kind of sentimental feel. I think it’s odd, but cool, that they thought it would be a good Super Bowl commercial.

o Sharpie Retractable: Who doesn’t like pirates?

o Ameriquest: Don’t judge too quickly. I love these ads.

o Nationwide Insurance: I hate Fabio.

o Hummer (aka the only Hummer you’ll ever get): God, I hate to say anything positive
about Hummer, but I like the monster commercial. Funny, a cute story line, and it actually does highlight the benefit of ruggedness. Now if we could just get Hummer owners to take their Hummers off-road with all that ruggedness, say the Marianas Trench . . .

o Toyota Tacoma: I’m tired of the invincible commercials. Mainly because I want to know, are these for real? Because I feel like they’re trying to give you that idea, but I don’t think they are for real. I don’t like to wonder this much about commercials.

o Jack in the Box: I love the quirkiness of these ads. They just crack me up, and manage to get all the info and the big message that they want in because their concept is in style not substance. They can do whatever they want with the format.

o Fidelity Investments: I like Paul McCartney. I liked, “This is Paul. He’s been a . . . . The key is never stop doing what you love.” It just seems to really tap into the feeling of trying to achieve your goals in life. Good job, Fidelity. And, I don’t know if you noticed, but there were no old people holding hands on a beach in front of a lighthouse. This maybe a first for a financial company.

o Budweiser Wave: Very cute. Almost nostalgic.

o Pirates of the Caribbean 2: (high pitched scream) I’m so freaking excited.

o MasterCard MacGyver: Not a bad ad, but damn I’m tired of the Priceless ads. Please, no more.

Aaaaah!

2006-02-04T11:42:00.000-08:00

That's a relieved aaaaah! The migraine went bye-bye.

In the meantime, I watched the Wyvern Mystery which is not so good. Despite having Jack Davenport, an exiled Vampire, King Kong's booty call, and some randomly immortal guy. In short, good actors from other movies and shows, but not such a great story. Scary, yes. But good, no.

And I'm just gonna ask this once. If it gets returned, no questions asked. But who the hell took my yarn needle???? Seriously, I wanna finish my bag made of grocery bags and can't. I need to sew on the flower that will function as the button. I need it back.

Revenge is a dish best served with a side of hardware meltdown

2006-02-03T15:05:00.000-08:00

So my computer has finally decided to get revenge for all the things I've done to it. Namely stepping on it and scratching it. My mouse and space bar have decided they don't like to work so good. I doubt that any of you, other than Chrissy, can truly understand how frustrating it is to work on a keyboard with a crappy space bar. So I'm seriously thinking it's time to get a job.

I'm also thinking that today is Day Three of a low-level migraine that just won't go away. So sorry for the poor quality of writing.

While I was wallowing in misery yesterday evening, I knitted and watched The Last Starfighter. I always tend to think of that movie as one of the best bad movies of all time. But every time I watch it, I think, it's not really a bad movie. The premise is intelligent and relatively original. There's humor, and drama, and hilarity of a beta unit trying to pretend to be human. I love the beta unit, and if he hadn't driven himself into a space ship to help save the universe, I probably would have married him. He's funny. Definitely worth a viewing if you haven't seen it.

Know what I miss about the good ol' days?

2006-02-01T22:54:00.000-08:00

The fact that everyone used to wear tap dancing shoes everywhere in case a burst of random song needed a quick improvised dance to go along with it. Or maybe that's just me watching too many Bing Crosby and Gene Kelly movies. Seriously, though, I can't carry a tune to save my life. Which if I was in an old movie would mean that I could never convey any serious emotion. I'd be a ticking time bomb of repressed angst.

I've been watching old movies from the library again. It's my only means of visual stimulation since no one can tell me what the fuck Fox is doing. I mean, is there an Arrested Development finale coming up? If so, when? And in the meantime, must they mock my pain by filling the cherished spot with Skating with Celebrities? (And by the way, Fox, Dave Coulier? Not a celebrity anymore. And Kristy Swanson, I'm disappointed in you. You kicked serious vampire ass and now . . . ) It's like painting over a Turner painting with a Rothko painting. (And by the way, Rothko, using naked models covered in paint as a brush? Not art, crazy European sex.)

And what's up with House? American Freaking Idol (I thought America was so over that) keeps slithering its slimy slitheriness into House's spot? And we're left wondering, where is Hugh Laurie? Where is Claudio, aka Robert Sean Leonard? I know I could figure all this out with a little time spent on Fox's website, but then I wouldn't have time to write bad-ass blog entries. Isn't there room in the world for both bad-ass blog entries and understanding what the fuck Fox is doing? I think there is.

Oh, and 80 million pointless points to the first person who catches more than one of the four movies somehow referenced by this post. Also, decades worth of props to anyone who can figure out the two movies inevitably brought to mind when Robert Sean Leonard is cross-referenced with vampires in my head.

Isn't it sad that vampires would get sick if they ate cake batter ice cream?

2006-01-25T08:10:00.000-08:00

I went to see Underworld: Evolution on Sunday. I tried to drive to the Kabuki 8 theater in Japantown because I have free AMC tickets and because I was assured by my friend the Internet that there was parking. I almost ended up on the Bay Bridge when I didn't psychically divine that I needed to be in the left hand lane. So I turned around and went to the Century 20 back in the DC. I'll probably try again this weekend. What to see??

Evolution was exactly what it was billed as, a really sleek vampire flick. Visually stunning I would say (especially to people like Chrissy who like special effects. But do they hate vampires as much as they hate the gays in South Carolina? By which I mean will they boycott it like they did Brokeback Mountain, which I missed my chance to see apparently?). The special effects were well done. I really liked that anything that would look shitty they had take place as action off-screen. Super fast healing, which obviously all vampires ever have, always looks bad on screen. Don't know why, either because the technology isn't there or because no one can comprehend what that would look like. All the super fast healing took place off-screen and in a way that didn't make you think, That's stupid, why didn't they show that? So anyway, highly predictable, but fun. And for the boys, who aren't reading this blog, yes, Kate Beckinsale's husband directed this one too so there are plenty of gratuitous shots of leather-clad ass.

After that, I decided to get Birthday Cake Remix from Cold Stone (no, mummy, I don't do this often, but I was excited that it was back). It was as good as ever which is a relief. I did notice that they changed the color of the cake batter ice cream. Do you think that when people got the salmonella they puked up blue? That would be about the only good reason to change the ice cream to a pale beige. Plus, it would be kind of like that cereal with the red dye in it in Cujo. All the kids got sick, from the flu and whatever kids get sick from, and they puked dark red from the cereal. So their parents thought they were puking blood. Stephen King's awesome . . .

OH! OH GOD IT'S EVERYWHERE! IT'S IN MY RACCOON WOUNDS!

2006-01-07T12:10:00.000-08:00

So remember how I kidded that my roommates wouldn't remember to take out the trash while I was away? I didn't kid. So there's trash everywhere (hence the title, like, duh!). The trash cans outside are full and there are a couple of bags of trash just sitting beside them. I don't want to take out the trash that's in the kitchen because there's nowhere to put it. So I tried to push down the trash. Surprise! There's fish head in my trash can! I don't know the fish it came from, but I'm worried for Nemo. It's pretty funny. I mean I'm sure other people have had fish heads in their trash can before, but not in my family. My mom can't stand the smell of fish. So this head staring back at me, well, it just shocked me.

I went to Goodwill the second day I was back. I thought about it but was too tired the first day. I got some yarn for a couple bucks. Yarn is evil by the way. I realized, halfway through the scarf I was making for Ali that I wasn't knitting at all but doing something with needles that I had made up entirely on my own. I've now restarted it. I suppose it's for the best anyway because one stripe was all messy and pluffy. I would never have been able to deal with it and would have had to pull it off Ali's neck if I ever saw her wearing it. I'm now going to knit it in stockinette stitch so that I get practice knitting and purling and so that it looks prettier.

Are all the boys gone now? Scared off by my bad-ass needles? Good, we didn't need them anyway.

I also picked up The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys. I love it so far, but it remains to be seen if the end comes as such a shock that it becomes a tragicomedy. Chrissy, be sure that I'll let you know . . .

Starting a new round of blogthings

2006-01-06T09:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry, but I had to post this one.

You Are Japanese Food

Strange yet delicious.
Contrary to popular belief, you're not always eaten raw.

What Kind of Food Are You?

I know what you're thinking . . .

2006-01-05T11:04:00.000-08:00

You're thinking it's been nearly a month since that bitch fucking posted. Where the hell is she? How do I know that's what your thinking? Not because I'm psychic, though I am. I know that you're thinking that because that's what I've been thinking about all of you. Seriously, what the hell happened?

So here's my solution, the last half of December didn't count. Seriously, it's all a redo. So get to updating.

In other news, I was briefly in love during the non-counting part of December. On the BART to Oakland, which took a long time, there was a boy with a suitcase who when he got off the train shoved the book he was reading into his pocket. I fell in love. Here was a boy who traveled and was so familiar with taking books everywhere he went that he just shoved it in his pocket. Then my brain started to put together the letters that I had seen on the book before it went in the aforementioned pocket of the boy I loved. It was a Norman Mailer book. I fell out of love. Le sigh.

Also, knitting is hard. However, I'll look a lot more like the bad-ass I am when I knit in public with my hot pink knitting needles of death. Once I get the hang of the knitting stuff, I'm going to make the skull and crossbones sweater from the Stitch 'n' Bitch book my sis bought me for Xmas. Not for me. For my sis, because let's face it, she's not an altruist. She bought me that book to get some gifts of her own. That's cool though.

This will be my last point (because I want to avoid being like WonderTool the master of the long post). Have you ever listened to the words to Karma Chameleon? One of the lines is, "Every day is like the Bible. You're my lover, not my rival." What the hell does that mean? Anyone?

Just a random thought

2005-12-11T21:39:00.000-08:00

Among the other things I did at the beach the other day (about which I will merely say BOO!), I was thinking. Everyone who reads this blog knows I hate children. But I realized that I hate one group of children more than others, French children. They're always better dressed than me. I hate them beaucoup.

I'm unique!!!

2005-12-10T15:11:00.000-08:00

Everybody else got "Since You've been Gone." But in all seriousness, did I really bum everyone out in 2005?

Your 2005 Song Is

Boulevard of Broken Dreams by Green Day

"My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating"

In 2005, you bummed everyone out. Like you care.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?

To answer the questions of my adoring fans . . .

2005-12-07T06:14:00.000-08:00

I'm not a Big Lebowski fan. Never seen the movie. Also, not a big fan of Showgirls.

Obviously, I like Office Space, though, as with most people, it had to grow on me. I also like the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy (in miniseries) which Hollywood Video has proclaimed a cult classic (and chain store labeling a movie as a cult classic is good enough for me).

You know what movie I haven't thought about in years? Clan of the Cave Bear. Darryl Hannah just went all wrong after that movie. She should have just made cave girl flicks.

So basically, this is a worthless post written way too early in the morning. So no judgements please. :)

More proof that I'm underground

2005-12-06T12:42:00.000-08:00

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

I know what Chrissy wants for a Christmas present

2005-11-16T06:27:00.000-08:00

Maybe you can ask Daddy . . .

http://adweek.blogs.com/adfreak/2005/11/is_that_the_ibu.html

Quick Service

2005-11-14T21:05:00.000-08:00

I love that it's mid-November, smells like early October here.

That's all I've got. Please bear with me as I don't write because it means, of course, that I am writing.

Scientology calls to me

2005-10-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

One the 2 block walk from the BART to my work, I pass at least 2, sometimes 3 or 4, people handing out scientology flyers. I can now apparently get my personality tested at the scientology center if I want . . . 7 times. Yes, that's right, I have 7 of these things. I'm as much a fan of absurdity as the next person, actually more because usually the next person won't take a flyer, but it's got to end. I'm not going to go to the scientology center because I don't want to get sucked into a cult. I don't know if I'm that susceptible, and I don't want to find out.

I can't keep taking these flyers or they'll take over my life. Yet I can't pass the scientology girls up. What to do? Dilemma, thy name is scientology. (Dodgeball is funny).

On a side note, I'm now keeping a list of names that are interesting. It's a job perk. My favorites thus far are Venus Van Hook and Amber Lemon. Amber Lemon is my most favorite though. Her name means Yellow Lemon, or even Yellow Yellow. It reminds me of when the guy that I will always think of as Dash from Sabrina the Teenage Witch although he's been more famous for other roles before and since said on Scrubs, "You thought my name was Turk Turkleton???"

On being one step away from telemarketing

2005-10-24T19:58:00.000-07:00

As I look around, I'm happy to see that I'm once more surrounded by gentle readers (you are being gentle aren't you, because I can tell you it's a bitch to find someone to shampoo the carpets in cyberspace) who, even if they aren't amused, understand when I'm joking. If I were to say to you, "I wouldn't mind gas prices so much if it didn't take so long for the pump to siphon out 9 gallons of my blood," you might roll your eyes. However, you most definitely won't say to me sternly, "You had better be off to the hospital. It's hardly safe to lose 9 gallons of blood, young lady." Sometimes people don't get my jokes, so I'm glad to say all of you do.

Work goes quite well though. People laugh at my jokes, and don't look at me all funny-like and say, "You're so funny." (Which a few people did while I was at Woodberry. One the other hand, I did suggest they get a toy train track to deal with the problems they were having with motion lights).

I was at a law firm for about 4 days, which was surprisingly quite fun. I got to hear Sarah Weddington (one of the women who argued Roe v. Wade, successfully) speak. She had me sold on law school for the whole of her speech, but I thought better of it about 5 seconds after I left the room. I also met someone who reads and watches Sci-Fi, and we're gonna go see Harry Potter when it comes out, in IMAX. This is good, as I don't think I've ever seen HP alone, and that would be kind of sad.

Now I'm at Ameriprise, which has cool people to work with. My official job title is "One Step Above Telemarketer." Okay, maybe two steps. I actually call to offer people a job in the company. It's a good job too. They train you, and in your first year you can make between $45,000 and $55,000. Still, I think it's the quotas and emphasis on making numbers even if they aren't quality numbers that weirds me out and makes me think of telemarketing.

I'm kind of enjoying my job as a temp. As Melinda, who's going to see HP with me said, "You know this is going in a book." Like the time that I overheard the first year lawyers having a very serious discussion on cereal. One was eating Rice Krispies, which the other hadn't had in years. And you know what they really liked that was at the cafeteria in their home office? Smart Start. But Basic Four is good, too. Haven't you heard of it? It's got all sorts of little bits in it.

Or the three male lawyers, who by nature of being lawyers have to be a couple years older than me, who were discussing a scene from Mean Girls.

Or the woman whose resume was titled, "Administrative Assitant" who had excellent 35 wpm typing skills.

Or the time that one of the London solicitors (I say this because they were solicitors as opposed to barristers. Yes, I asked. I am that dorky and keen to put my knowledge of British law to use.) wrote "London, England" for his home office, and I told him, "Thank God you wrote that, or else we never would have known which London to send this to."

So who's with me on the Nano Wrimo stuff? I'm hoping Tiff reads this and says yes. She and I have had some serious conversations about giving up this crazy, overambitious dream we have of being copywriters and instead writing trashy romance novels and becoming million--nay, zillion--aires. Any other takers? Don't say you aren't prepared. I have 7 days (one of which being the closest you can get to a religious holiday in San Francisco, yep, Halloween) to research the geography of Hell. Among other things. Where are blind poets obsessed with trilogies when you need them? Failing Milton, Dante might be helpful. Chrissy, what do you know about the inferno???

2005-10-13T19:41:00.000-07:00

Okay, last post today. But it had to be done. I'm at the library. Some guy just got a phone call, strictly taboo but there it is, and his phone starts playing a song with the lyrics, "Won't you have some dirty hot sex with me."

There are kids here. Loads of the titchy little buggers.

Fifty points to anyone who tells me what song those lyrics are from. Another two hundred if you change your ringtone to that and let me call you all the time to embarrass you. You might want to keep in mind that these points are meaningless before you make any rash decisions.

Tally ho, time to move on, what, what!!

2005-10-13T19:20:00.000-07:00

Curses, blazes, and damnation. That was the longest post ever. What a waste. I keep trying to blog about last Tuesday when I went for the free day to SFMOMA and contemplated modern art, but it seems that your joy and excitement is to be delayed again.

However, in the mean times, and what times are meaner than when it's 7:30 and I haven't had dinner, I can tell you that I have had a busy week. I've made it to the Short Shorts Litquake event, which was amazing. A bunch of short story authors got an assignment to write a story with the prompt, "The first time I . . . " Some great stuff. I bought a book there. I shouldn't have, but I did.

I also went to the Ask a Scientist event. Drove to it, in fact, which I'm kind of proud of. That was yesterday, and I had a long day yesterday. I contemplated curling up with one of the many books sitting around whining plaintively, "Read me." But did I do that? No, instead, I found my way into the city and listened to Maureen O'Sullivan talk about how to tell if people are lying. Apparently, the best lie detectors are over 30, so I've got another 8 years before I worry about the fact that I think all people are trying for heaven and don't tell whoppers.

Glad I went, too, because I ran into the nice lady from the Chris Moore board who tells me that Chris is calling into Borderlands Books on Sunday to have a little discussion about Blood-Sucking Fiends and the imminent sequel. Best of all, by Sunday, I'll know where that is because I'm volunteering there on Saturday for the Litquake Litcrawl. If I don't get blotto at the volunteer party after the Litcrawl on Saturday (kidding, kidding), I should be able to find my way back just fine.

Anyway, more later. I'm going to go pick out some DVDs at the library and head home.

These games we play

2005-10-13T18:17:00.000-07:00

Everyone will, I hope, pardon me while I make a long and direct address. If nothing else, pardon me on the grounds that I intend this to be an end to the whole business.

Clark, you say that you liked me better for my disdain of you, but I think you assume that I never liked you. At one point, I had been wont to like, admire, revere, and envy you in pretty much equal measures. You always had more talent and more friends than I did. You were funnier and more fun to be around. I say this simply to make sure you avoid the mistake of thinking that Dalsing girl never liked you anyway. I did. Your actions, your choices, changed that. Which sounds pleasantly like the monologuing of a evil villian so feel free to quote me whenever you write the Fantastic Four or any other comic, as I'm sure you will (be paid to write comics, that is, not quote me).

That said, I think you read too deeply into my entry. My first thought on finding your entry was, "What the fuck." That was followed swiftly by the thought that I ought to look up Matt Griffith and tell him that our subterranean society of smart people, first concieved of in high school, was back on, because now I had connections in the subterranean world. Maybe I was unnecessarily harsh, but it's only because I feel that I can be quite pithy when I'm nasty (probably untrue, but friends always laugh). I definitely feel like I did Caleb an injustice.

Because let's face it, my WTF moment really came from the fact that I never did anything to you other than stop liking you. Caleb has every right to hate me. I don't think I did anything wrong there, but I certainly didn't do everything right.

But to return to the point, my entry was just one in a series of stories I tell about the people I've met and the places I've gone. A light-hearted story, a joke.

It was also my way of trying to turn the tables in the games you played with words. Thinking of the way you speak and write always reminded me of the kid who stayed close to the safe spot while playing freeze tag. While I was out fighting the good fight, unfreezing my friends, teasing, taunting, flirting with disaster, there was always that one kid who never had the guts step away from the safe spot and really play the game. Was I going to end up frozen the way I played? Hell, yeah, but I was going to need the breather by that time and I was going to know that five people were out there in the world waiting to unfreeze me. It was a strategy to win or lose everything. You play the game to not lose. Every relationship, every discussion, every everything, you don't want to gain anything. You just don't want lose.

Of course, now I see that I mucked up my turn something awful. Now you think I want to come out and play. I don't. You tell me in your comment to ignore and reinterpret your words. But, you see, I already had, hadn't I? I already knew. God forbid you say something you mean, something you'll stand behind, so I pretwisted and preturned and preprodded your remarks into a shape I liked. Because, no, Clark, you never called me a power hungry bitch, that would have meant you had to stand by your words, explain them rather than explain them away. You also didn't come talk to me, at a time when we were good friends, and bring up a problem you had with me. No, instead, you yelled at me that running writer's club wasn't a position of authority, blah, blah, whatever. I've let it go, and only ever refer to as the "power-hungry bitch episode," as a joke, the way I did in my post.

That comment, by the way, masterful. You put frilly complimentary borders on every barb and edge every compliment with razor blades. The problem is that, in the end, it doesn't end up meaning two opposite things at once; it ends up meaning nothing.

Sorry if I upset you, or if you imagined me in the Golden State, sobbing away, but it was a joke. I already know not to take your words at face value, because nothing you say or do can be taken at face value.

In the end reckoning, I laughed at myself. I looked up some old friends in the process, and I thought of looking up some others. I may yet do it if I can find them. That's what I'll take away from this. And yes, you're right, I'm doing "relatively well." Relative to what, we'd never agree on, so we'll leave it there. But I'm happy and right where I want to be.

Caleb, if he cares to, can take away the fact that, I agree that he has a right to dislike me. And if he cares to hear it, I think he'll do great things as well, because he wasn't one of the safe spot kids. When he says things, they're real, and I respect that.

Chrissy is not a major winner here, but she does get to relive her clever haikus and to be told that "Peter Pan Games" suddenly strikes me as a very clever title.

You can take away whatever you wish. But I'm going to change this game once and for all. Fuck the safe spots; fuck clever and vague phrases; fuck not standing by what you say and not saying anything you feel is worth standing by. Tag, you're it, buddy. And while you're it, I dare you to say something real for once. But say it to someone else. My mom says it's time to come in for the night, and I won't be coming out to play tomorrow. I've got better things to do, like pick out the song to play when I count down seeing the ocean on the Great Highway (so far, I've had the best luck with "When I Come Around") or picking out the clothes I'm going to wear tomorrow.

I think for a million reasons (most of which, only God and I can fathom) that ending with this quote is poetic symmetry:

If we shadows have offended,
Think but this, and all is mended,
That you have but slumber'd here
While these visions did appear.
And this weak and idle theme,
No more yielding but a dream

Oh, my gosh!

2005-10-11T15:55:00.000-07:00

Lemony Snicket is reading at Booksmith on Haight St. on November 7 at 7pm. Who's gonna be there? I'm gonna be there.

It's official . . .

2005-10-09T20:24:00.000-07:00

I'll get to the meaning of my title in a second, but first a word from our sponsors:

From the coalition of fabulous fun festiveness:
I saw Daniel Handler. That's right, Lemony Snicket, walked by me in the foyer of the Herbst Theater like he was a real person. I felt like a total doofus for staring (and diving for my phone to text Chrissy, because I had to tell someone) until the girl next to me said, "Do you know him or are you just as amazed as I am that a god just walked by you?"

From the society of people who talk to other people:
I went to volunteer today at a Litquake event, which was fun. I took the author's to their super-secret entrance which didn't make me as tongue-tied as you would think after reading the above, because I hadn't really heard of any of them. Whoops . . . probably shouldn't admit that, but it's an event to let people hear their favorite authors and find new ones after all, I just did less of the former and more of the latter.

So I actually talked to another person about my age (who was volunteering with me) for about two hours. Luckily, she pointed out that the event that I'm volunteering at on Saturday (the LitCrawl, get it, like pub crawl, on Valencia) is not as far from a BART station as I thought and will be a big enough event that they're closing off the entire length of Valencia. So I won't be driving in as I originally thought I might, but all will be well anyway because I'm close to BART and there are lots of people.

And now for our feature presentation:
Ahem, as everyone can probably tell, my computer is fixed now. It was, please excuse the very technical language that I will now use, totally fucked. Why? I don't know. It's possible the considerable amount of time that I spent on the blog of one Mr. Lenar Clark gummed up the works.

Why was I on Clark's blog? Well, when someone dedicates some time to you on their blog, you feel like you really ought to put some time in to deserve it. What could someone who hasn't even spoken to me in two years have to say about me on his blog? Fancy you asking that, you rogue, because it relates back to my title.

It's official . . . I'm underground. That's what Clark had to say. I believe his words were something nearer to the effect of my resembling a mad monarch of a subterranean society of mole-people (if you can't take my word for it and must see, click here, though I warn you it's a looong entry). Still, I know that I understand his true meaning.

Yes, my friends, I'm happy to relate that someone has finally acknowledged my almost prescient liking for "Somebody Told Me" nearly a year and a half ago when my sister played it for me. Someone has seen my early adoption of cult classics like the Princess Bride for what it really is (when I say early adoption, here, I mean I was young when I fell in love Cary Elwes). Someone has finally alerted the world to my coolness in reading depressing Russian novels like The Brother's Karamozov for fun. And, yes, someone has finally given the green light to my sophomoric love of emo bands. And that person was Lenar Clark, who has now professed me Queen of the Underworld (should I start dressing like Kate Beckinsale did?).

Or maybe he just dislikes me as much as I disliked him. He did once basically call me a power hungry bitch. Hmm . . . nah.

I understand that I also have one Mr. Caleb Prewitt to thank for this distinction, but one can only sacrifice so much to the altar of vanity, and I don't have the sort of time it would seem like it would take to read that. So my computer needs have no fear from that quarter.

Strangest place EVER

2005-09-18T18:58:00.000-07:00

I have to start this entry by saying that I wouldn't lie to you. There are approximately 3 people who actually read this blog, and I wouldn't want to turn them off by lying. So I am definitely not making this up.

I was at the mall today, parking, and I see this other car driving along. This was not a nice car; it was not an SUV. What it was was a tiny red Honda hatchback, beat-up with that old matte paint look and the mandatory hood in black from an unknown, but unsurprising, earlier wreck. So basically this story boils down to, "The dude drives over one of the medians. You know the ones. They're like 4 inches off the ground and 3 feet wide. Dude just drives right over them."

So strange.

Why I wanna be a pirate

2005-09-18T15:58:00.000-07:00

Chrissy says I haven't posted in a while so until I actually post some exploits and shenanigans I thought I would post the "Why I wanna be a Pirate" essay I entered in the second annual Talk Like a Pirate day contest on the CM message board.

Enjoy.

Ahem, this piece is entitled, "Why I wanna be a Pirate when I Grow up . . ."

It is a well-known maxim that women on board boats . . . erm . . . ships are bad luck. Knowing this, and really you should know this as it's well-known (see above), you might think my campaign for piracy would be destined for a short drop and a sudden stop as so many pirates themselves are destined in these troubled times. However, I would say to you, "Gar, matey, ye couldn't be more wrong if you ordered a nice dry Chardonnay instead of grog at the local tavern, or named your parrot something other than Polly, or failed to have an obvious handicap of the eye, leg, or hand variety."

Even now in the privacy of my own room, I laugh at your wrongness and say to you acurst doubters in my mind, "Avast, ye young scalawags, if ye want to be known as the most fearsome pirate ship in these seven seas, ye'll let it be known ye fear nothing, not even the hands of a cruel fate or the tempestuous sea. And to do that, ye can do naught better than to have a stalwart young lass on board."

So I would make a natural candidate for a life of piracy. After all, these superstitions can't be right, I've been on boats . . . that is to say . . . ships many times before without mishap or malady.

Also, I think the ocean is pretty. Erm . . . the end . . . Argh!!

Helpful Hints from HLynn

2005-09-04T11:15:00.000-07:00

I saw this on the AG's website and thought I would pass it along to anyone reading. There's a fun little bit of spyware which logs all the keys typed on your computer which means credit card numbers and pins. Apparently, it's pretty prevalent as when I ran the "make it go away program" (that's the technical name, it's more commonly known as the "anti-yucky-bad-program program") it found something. So my gift to you, my devoted fans and friends a link to the article and link to the anti-yucky-bad-program program.

PS I'm not thinking of keeping the H permanently, it was merely needed for alliteration. (Of course, alliteration aside, I think I'll take my chances in the tournament.)

Hellfire and Damnation in the Morning

2005-09-03T11:35:00.000-07:00

One of my roommates watches Pat Robertson (I think that's the guy I'm thinking of). I can't condone that.

WTF, dontcha know?

2005-08-31T12:54:00.000-07:00

Who would do this?!?!?
P.S. Sorry for the brevity of the posts recently. I'll try to get more about my fab CA adventures soon. Or at least about my weird CA experiences and thoughts in ref. to.

Umm . . . .

2005-08-30T19:08:00.000-07:00

I'm not a big animal person, but I can still spot cuteness when I see it. Chrissy, this is for you.

Could Starbucks be any cooler???

2005-08-29T12:31:00.000-07:00

Check this out. Would any other major chain have kept those cups after a Christian group complained? McDonald's wouldn't have; HyVee wouldn't have; I don't know about Target.

Starbucks gets a lot of crap dumped on it for contributing to the McCulture, but at least they stick to their guns. I have to respect that.

I live in California now

2005-08-21T21:53:00.000-07:00

It's official. Not only do I have an apartment in California, I live in that apartment. Which is wildly different from the 2 weeks where I had an apartment, but didn't live in it.

Some things I've learned:

1. Houses are only for sale on the weekends. During the week there are no "For Sale" signs up. My mother commented on it. Come Saturday, eighty-bazillion (That's right, I said bazillion which is not a real number. Wanna fight about it?) signs go up and many more people were scurrying about trying to sneak them onto other lawns. If I were ever to buy a house here, I would need almost constant reassurances that I could also own the home on weekdays.

2. If in a residential district, drive as far to the left of your lane as possible. Because people are going to come up on your right to turn at stop signs. And they're going to do it whether your in the way or not.

3. Libraries are more expensive here. They actually charge late fees. A quarter a day, up to $8 per item. I'm gonna end up in trouble. They also charge $.75 to transfer a book from another library in the system. Which is disappointing because I really wanted to request the Hugh Laurie book. That's right, House wrote a book.

4. There's a lot to do here. Today, I went for a walk on this trail, which, as you can see, is the site of a race in December which I would like to register for. It wasn't as pretty today as it's been cloudy and really freaking cold. Still, amazing and well worth the ass-kicking that the hills and steps gave me.

I've also found a French club which is meeting September 20. That means I'll be voluntarily going through what I went through in French class, i.e. trying valiantly to convey thoughts in a smelly and ungrateful tongue.

There's a nature walk on Sept. 10 on the above trail led by some environmental science, blah, science, blah, science guy. There's a hobby swap site where I might whore out my excellent English skills to an immigrant who can whore out their skills in their native tongue. I've maybe found a place where I can afford to buy some yarn.

On top of all that, I've got to try and find a job, feed myself, and take long walks on the beach. Because, let's face it, if I didn't take long walks on the beach, my entire life would be a lie.

5. Daly City is not, as has been said, one of the ugliest cities in America. Here are some pictures to prove it.
Pink House
Other cute house
Of course, not every place is as cute as those, but those will give you an idea.

And just because I happened upon it, here's the local Asian supermarket. Strictly speaking I probably shouldn't be linking to those pics, so let's keep it on the DL, shall we?

6. I'm firmly in the minority here. Only 26% of people in Daly City are white. That's kind of fun. I suspect each suburb is a different mix. This one is the Asian one. I like it.

I think that's enough to be getting on with. More later.

OMG!!! Live Action Masters of the Universe

2005-08-09T11:41:00.000-07:00

How cool is this:

Woo-Man And The Masters Of The Universe

John Woo to direct He-Man live action movie
“I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, defender of the secrets of Castle Greyskull.
This is Cringer, my fearless friend. Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me the day I held aloft my magic sword and said:
"By the power of Greyskull! I have the power!"… And I became He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe.”

So ran the spoken intro to He-Man And The Masters Of The Universe, that fabulously cheesy ‘80s cartoon in which a Hitler wet dream – muscle-bound, blond and, erm, a Master of the Universe – defended the planet of Eternia against the evil skull-faced Skeletor and his cronies.

Why do we bring it up? Well, as we all know, the series was turned into a cacktastic live-action film in 1987, with Hitler wet dream Dolph Lundgren as He-Man, but Hollywood clearly feels that enough water has passed under the bridge, because it was announced today that John Woo will both produce and direct another live-action version.

Adam Rifkin will write the script for the movie, which Woo will probably direct after his next movie, videogame actioner Spy-Hunter. There’s no word yet on the scale of the movie, or the plot (the Lundgren version misguidedly brought Aryan Man, sorry, He-Man to Earth for fun and frolics) or which Masters alumni will appear (although if She-Ra doesn’t appear, we’re going to throw our 12” Skeletor out of the window).

Woo faces a number of problems immediately: 1) Though the haze of childhood nostalgia (and the odd decent episode in the first season) tells us otherwise, He-Man and the Masters of the Universe was actually a rather cynical exercise in flogging toys for Mattel (although Ram-Man was pretty cool), so concocting a serious story might be difficult; and 2) We all know what happened the last time someone tried to remake a Dolph Lundgren movie – The Punisher came along…

Despite all that, though, there’s something strangely exciting about the prospect of seeing Cringer, Castle Greyskull, the Sorceress et al brought to life with a proper budget and more CG than you can shake a stylus at. And with Woo at the helm, the action scenes have a 64.5% chance of making your eyes pop out of your head.

Of course, casting hasn’t yet begun on the project (Chow Yun-fat as Skeletor, anyone?), but pretty much every actor with a six-pack within a ten-mile radius of Hollywood will be in contention for the role. He may not quite fit the role snugly, but the front-runner is probably The Rock, with whom Woo will also soon work on Spy-Hunter, although there might be room for a total unknown. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we’re off to hit the gym, then Nicky Clarke’s.

Also available on Empire's website, but I'm not sure if you can access it without registering. But by all means, register. Because there's all kinds of cool stuff. There's info on a Kenneth Branagh version of As You Like It (which is good because I miss Branagh Shakespeare).

Anyways, too cool. I wanted to be She-Ra when I was little. Unfortunately, there was a character named Evil-Lynn (like Evelyn, get it. Yeah, I know, I don't think it's funny either). So my mom called me that.

This gives me a lot more respect for Ashton Kutcher

2005-08-01T22:45:00.000-07:00

He's not just banging a hot older woman. He's also got titanium balls.

Kutcher Demands Brody's Oscar

Ashton Kutcher is demanding Adrien Brody's Academy Award, after successfully fooling the actor on his hit prank show Punk'd. While many critics felt that Brody deserved his 2003 accolade for his efforts in The Pianist, Kutcher believes anybody holding such an award should not have been so easily fooled. He says, "Somebody who's won an Academy Award, you would think that they would be able to identify actors. They should be able to go, 'Oh you're acting, right?' That's what we would think. Either A, everyone in my cast should win an Academy Award, or B, he should be stripped of his award and it should be given to me." In an episode of Punk'd which aired on Sunday night, Brody and his DJ pal Funkmaster Flex asked a teen to move a car which was blocking his vehicle, sparking an accident and a huge parking lot row.

From IMDB, where else?

On your left, you'll see . . .

2005-08-01T18:46:00.000-07:00

. . . more new ads. Your comments are appreciated as always.

Sorry about the weird format. The pics are pretty big and won't line up with the sidebars. The scrollbar is on your right.

Promised Pictures

2005-08-01T16:49:00.000-07:00

WTF???

2005-07-30T08:30:00.000-07:00

I feel honor-bound, given the name of this site, to comment on the upcoming remake of Pride and Prejudice set to come out (in the US) on November 18. My comment is: I don't think so.

They've made even Keira Knightley look funny with a strange brownish color of hair. She's gorgeous, and they made her look funny. The hair color wasn't necessary since Jane Austen almost never described her main character's appearance. Keira could have stayed blonde. Really guys, she could have.

My other major problem is the entire movie seems to have been cast by someone who was armed only with a vague concept of the age and sex of all the characters. Donald Sutherland as Mr. Bennet? I don't think so. I like Donald Sutherland. You can all immediately go out and rent Big Shot's Funeral, but Mr. Bennet he is not.

I'll probably see it, but I can't bring myself to stop thinking, why fix something that was never broken? Who could top the 1995 mini-series? Hell, this doesn't look like it will top the 1940s version (which screenplay was, oddly enough, written by Aldous Huxley).

I have somewhere to live (knock on wood)

2005-07-28T21:22:00.000-07:00

I get a lease faxed to me tomorrow and send a wire transfer and then I have an apartment. Conveniently, I also have some pictures to post. Which I will do tomorrow maybe because I have to go to sleep. Garage sale tomorrow.

Just thought I would let interested parties know. Hopefully, I don't jinx it.

It's Official . . . Again

2005-07-25T15:37:00.000-07:00

No takebacksies now, MU. You sent me my diploma.

On a related note, I'm never defending the post office again. The envelope clearly said "Don't Bend," and yet theyfelt the need to bend my diploma. It has wrinkles now. Fuck that.

Look to the Left

2005-07-19T17:10:00.000-07:00

Got some new ads that are now posted to the left. Let me know what you think . . .

Actually, that wasn't all . . .

2005-07-16T18:13:00.000-07:00

. . . but I wanted to also make a clever reference to Family Guy.

I'm only about six pages in at this point, but I'm thinking that maybe Tony Blair should play himself when this movie comes out. It would be brilliant. Then the Labour Party could run ads accusing the Conservative Party of ignoring the problems of the wizarding world because they don't believe in wizards.

Chrissy said that Hugh Grant would work as well, since he played the Prime Minister in Love Actually. I guess that's pretty much the same.

Harry Potter 6

2005-07-16T18:11:00.000-07:00

Harry Potter. HARRY potter. HaRrY pOtTeR. harry potter. harry POTTER. HArrY PotTEr. h a r r y p o t t e r . HARRY POTTER. Harry Potter.

That is all. Thank you.

Right, no spoilers

2005-07-16T11:26:00.000-07:00

I really, really loved Wedding Crashers. It was a great, strange romantic comedy. I have to say that some of what you see in the previews gives you some mistaken impressions of where the movie is headed.

The only thing even near a spoiler that I'm going to put in here is that I appreciate this movie being one of the first to not only show, but also point out just how big of a guy Vince Vaughn is. He's 6'5".

Five out of five stars. Also five out of five for hot(tttt)ness. I'm going to have to own this movie.

Wow, don't I feel like a jackass

2005-07-16T09:30:00.000-07:00

So, I keep going to the new Cold Stone Creamery in my home town (Yeah, we pretty much just got every chain there is minus Pannera, Olive Garden,
Barnes and Noble, and Hot Topic). I've been bitching pretty much constantly every time I go because they didn't have my cake batter ice cream.

Little did I know (Chrissy, you're really going to enjoy this, but try not to taunt Tiffany), that their cake batter ice cream had given 14 people salmonella. That would explain why they were "out" of cake batter ice cream every time I went in.

AdFreak alerted me to this fact with this article which predictably notes the effect of the salmonella on a (relatively) long running campaign.

Chrissy/anyone reading this, I have pictures of pretty boys for you

2005-07-15T07:42:00.000-07:00

Owen Wilson is so freaking hilarious. Check out this article, and go see Wedding Crashers. Also, tell me how it is.

Adopt a Demon

2005-07-09T16:01:00.000-07:00

I readopted my demons. Some of you will remember that their names are Chester and Lester.

Does anyone have any extra souls that they don't want lying around? Because they're hungry.

What the hell are they thinking at Amazon???

2005-07-09T11:24:00.000-07:00

I got an email today that said your Amazon order has been shipped. I'm not really good with days, I think it's the 9th. I thought that they might have theoretically shipped my new Harry Potter today so that it would arrive on the 16th. I was so excited, but no. No, they emailed me to tell me that they had, a month after I ordered my 2 books, decided to split the order for faster service. So I'm getting East of Ealing before Harry Potter.

Don't get me wrong, I'm massively excited to get East of Ealing. I'm becoming a huge Robert Rankin fan. But still, they knew they were raising and then dashing my hopes. And they did it quite expertly.

Resume

2005-07-09T10:30:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna post a link to my resume on the left. If anyone's got a spare second, would you check it out and say what you think? This is a design issue and a content issue. I redesigned it, and I think it looks pretty damn cool, but it's all about me, so I'm pretty much destined to love it, aren't I?

Check it out

2005-07-07T13:10:00.000-07:00

I posted an article online at MyMissourian. I mention this mainly for anyone who wanted to post an article. They are looking for people who are in some way connected to London.

Long time no Post (and I don't mean the cereal)

2005-07-07T12:46:00.000-07:00

So in between this and my last post (before the London one, which I felt needed to stay on its own), Chrissy's made like 80 posts. Still, I got home on the 29th, and since then I've been lazing.

So to bring you up to the minute, here's a rundown on what I've been up to:

1. I am an underachiever and apparently now it can't be remedied. I didn't do the 33 Things You Should Do Before You're 10. I count 14 that I did (and that's stretching things a bit). That's less than half, and the gods probably won't change space and time just so I can go back. On the other hand, why would I ever want to make a mini-assault course in my garden? And what is Pooh Sticks??

2. I hate Wal-Mart. A lot. I know everyone knows this already so I won't go into all the old reasons, but I'll hit the new ones. I hate it because there are always a million people wandering around with their heads so far up their ass that their body is a hat. I can be dialing my phone, pushing my cart with one hand, and weaving, but I'm still paying more attention than they are.

I also hate this whole, "You can make meth with suphedrine, so we'll have to lock it all up" idea. Most of you will know that I hate Wal-Mart's moral stance on the Morning After Pill and the magazine FHM, specifically that they won't sell them). Now, I don't do drugs. I have never done drugs. I've never even had a single puff off a cigarette, but damn it, if I want to make meth, leave it to the drug task force to make it difficult for me. Because by making it difficult to buy Sudafed, you're really just picking on people with allergies. I just don't like the fact that an international corporation that pays its employees minimum wage and fires their butchers when they try to unionize tries to take the moral high ground in what it chooses to sell. They're running other stores and companies out of business by demanding cut rate prices on bulk orders, but it would just be wrong of them to leave Sudafed out where anyone with allergies could pick it up. Fucking Wal-Mart.

3. I'm making a bow ponchette, which I'm kind of making up a pattern for. I found it in the free patterns pile at Wal-Mart (see above). However, it was a knit pattern, which I realized after I had it at home. It's basically a long straight piece joined in a circle with a smaller piece joined around it so that the whole thing looks like a bow. Maybe I'll put a picture up since that didn't make sense at all. Should be cute though.

4. Speaking of pictures, I'll have to get a pic of the fabulous painting Ali did that I get to keep now. It's a city scene with a checkerboard sky. Awesome.

5. And finally, I saw Jimmy from The Lone Gunmen on She Spies a few nights ago. It's good to see he's still doing quality TV. Does anyone want to tell me that She Spies isn't quality TV? 'Cause you'll get a beat down for that.

London

2005-07-07T10:38:00.000-07:00

It was really weird to hear about the attacks in London. My first thought was where?. American media did not follow that line of thinking. They reported on what steps were being taken in the US and who was responsible for the attacks. Which makes sense if you think about it. It's all about your audience, but I was trying to think about what lines everyone at Emap took to work, and I wanted to know what stations had been attacked (when I looked at it, no one that I worked with should have been in those stations, by the way). I know I'm in good company when I say that I hope the people who did this are caught and that I'm proud of Londoners for being badasses and going on with their lives. Londoners are pretty awesome.

Music, Technology, and Frustration

2005-06-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

I am very frustrated right now. It's been 5 days since I posted last. Why? Because I've been spending time online playing stupid flash games. And they are really stupid games.

I did manage in that time to fix the stupid brochures for Sterling Investment. So despite the best efforts of my teammate to ignore everything I said about, you know, her design being unprintable (over and over and over). The design is now done right. It's not as snazzy looking as her design, but it can actually be printed and bound.

Back to frustration though. I have spent the last hour trying to download a song. Probably this is illegal, but since I didn't manage to download it the point is moot. I wanted to download "Just what I need" by Rufus King. The link will take you to the lyrics for the song only. I love this song and have had it downloaded before. It's probably on one of the many CDs that I made back in the days when I did that sort of thing.

I want to download this song rather than buy it for a few reasons. One, I can't get the cd that it's on at Amazon.com. Two, the cd costs $13, and from what I can tell, I don't like anything else on there particularly. Three, I love the movie cut that has the lines, "Torrance, can't stand you cheerleading squad, but I love your pompoms. I'll feed you bonbons all night." Yet I can't download it.

I downloaded three different file sharing programs before I realized that the reason they weren't working was that my firewall wouldn't let them connect. I am too scared of turning off my firewall (and not clever enough to selectively shut it down). So no movie songs for me.

I'm also very frustrated because of how annoying it is to try and download music. On the one hand, I get it. If I wrote music or sang for a living, I wouldn't want people to steal my music. On the other hand, musicians don't get all that much from record sales, they make a lot more from concerts. More than that though, I downloaded tons of music free and then turned around and bought the cds. I had every song from Simple Plan's first cd on my computer and burned to disc, but then I bought the cd. Other people have to be doing that. I bought more cds because I could find music I liked and then buy the cd. When I didn't buy the cd, it was because I only wanted one song and I wouldn't have bought the cd anyway, and I don't buy singles because they're asanine. The music industry should really rethink their stance.

I'm also frustrated because I have a search toolbar at the top of my browser that's to the left of my address bar. I want my address bar all the way over on the left because that makes more sense. It seems to me that I used to be able to drag and drop toolbars so that I could move the search bar up above the address bar. I tried that, to no avail. And I really hate it being there.

Anyway, that's my complaint for the day. I'm agitating for a relaxed stance on music sharing and for drag-and-droppable search bars. Because let's face it, everyone wants to download Scotty Doesn't Know (which is actually a song by Lustra, who apparently perform shows in skirts, which is pretty damn hot). And, again let's face it, I like my bars to stay where they're supposed to.

Oh, sweet Christ!!!

2005-06-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

Too cool, I went to The Internet Archive and found my old blog, which someone didn't tell me would not be up any longer before someone trashed a lot of writing that I didn't have other copies of. Now, I have it all again. The lord is merciful.

Ah, boys

2005-06-20T22:12:00.000-07:00

The title from this post comes from a comment I left on Chrissy's blog (see left for anyone who hasn't figured that out) which reminded me I was going to write this post. I'll refrain from using names because people from work might actually someday read this blog.

So, I was just thinking that I'm making progress, which I will explain.

I went through most of high school without really having any crushes on anyone. There was a really good reason for that, namely that there wasn't anyone worth having a crush on.

Now a quick rundown of the people who I've had crushes on in college.
(For the record, yes, I'm aware that crushes are things you have in middle school, but the word seems more than apt here.)

1. To start from the beginning, if I'm completely honest with myself, I had a crush on Rob. Which is kind of embarrassing, especially considering that he (along with every other boy for 5 miles) liked my weird roommate.

2. I also kind of had a crush on Dan Young. (Chrissy, you might be disturbed, but at least you know I'm being completely honest). He was a sweet guy who apparently felt that I (as the resident goody-two-shoes) needed discipline in my life. So he grounded me to my dorm room a lot. That most of our conversations. He told my I was up too late (at, say, 2 pm) and then he grounded me. As a matter of fact, I'm probably still grounded.

3. Then, there was Caleb. That was weird, and why did I ever like that boy? He was judgmental, made fun of my music and movies, was socially awkward, etc. Plus, he was a total tool. I can't even explain how much of a tool he was, but not as much of a tool as

4. Again, no name, but he was a tool. Funny, nice, cute (dark hair, pale skin), but a tool.

5. And we're up to date with another no name. This person is the reason I'm writing, because, again, I feel I'm making progress. Yes, I'm still goofy for having a little girl crush on someone that I have no intention of even attempting to attract, but he won't turn out to be a tool.

He may be a bit of an ass, but in a way that I like him the more for it, because he tells off the people that I wish I told off. He's overall nice, at least to me. He's competent, which is very attractive to me. He's cute, not in that Irish boy way that I love, but cute. Most importantly though, he's not going to turn out to be a tool.

So, I'm making progress. Which is good.

Factoids

2005-06-14T18:41:00.000-07:00

So yes, I just posted, but I realized that I've got a new number in my life. Yes, that's right, my college GPA.

So here's a run down of some of the now meaningless numbers of my life:
College GPA: 3.842
High School Rank: 1
ACT score: 34
SAT score: 1500

It's weird to think how hard I worked for some of those numbers when no one's ever really going to care. So, I'm throwing these numbers out into the void, where maybe someone will come across them and find them interesting.

Got Culture??

2005-06-14T17:16:00.000-07:00

I'm determined not to let this blog fall into dejected and irritated fits as the last one was wont to do. Mainly because that's gotta be boring for my gentle readers, but also because it only makes me wallow in irritation.

So in that spirit, I'm going to tell you all about a movie I watched a few days ago. I got Suspicion from Netflix. It's a great Hitchcock film starring Cary Grant and Joan Fontaine. I believe it's the first of four Cary Grant and Alfred Hitchcock movies, the last being North by Northwest. Without spoiling too much of the plot (I hope), it's about a rich, sheltered woman who falls in love with a penniless playboy. She begins to distrust him as bodies and lies start to pile up.

The original end to this movie (which tallies with the end of the book it was based on) has Cary Grant posting a letter of his wife's which names him as his wife's killer just after he's poisoned her with a glass of milk. Pressure was put on Hitchcock to change the ending because no one wanted to see Cary Grant, god of the silver screen, as a homicidal cad. The ending was changed to a scene which calls into question all of the evidence against Cary Grant's character. It also implies that he might be learning to grow up.

When I first heard about this movie, I thought it was terrible that they had changed the ending because of Cary Grant's image. Having seen the movie, I now think it's a more interesting ending. It's a good plot twist at the end to find out that really the wife was the "bad guy" for suspecting her husband of murder when he was an ok guy. It also pulls the watcher down along with the wife because they've been thinking the same thing all along.

Now that I've written a long and boring entry on a movie most of you probably aren't interested in, what do you think? Please leave comments. I like comments.

Restaurants and You

2005-06-12T19:16:00.000-07:00

Let me tell you something. I made $62 last night (a Saturday night). I sold over $900 in food. That comes out to around 6%. I'm not a bad server, and nights like that are not normal. I've made 20% after tip out a few times. So last night was a bad night. Thus, this entry is to let people know a few tips for dining out without treating your server like shit.

1. Never, ever tip less than 10%. Even if the service was terrible. Servers make $2.15 an hour, and sometimes, they're trying their best even if it doesn't seem like it. Also, you're not making a point if you leave less than 10% because then it just seems like you're a mean person.

2. Try to understand that the average restaurant is intended for families, which is to say that restaurants are designed to have 6 or fewer people come in and all pay on the same ticket. That means that it's not simple to get separate tickets. Applebee's is probably one of the best restaurants about that, and it's still difficult. It takes superhuman memory and a long time uninterrupted on a computer.

3. Please speak up. Seriously, mumbling is ri-goddamn-diculous. And if you're kid is too scared to speak up, please repeat what they said so I can get your order right.

4. If you're in a big party with separate tickets, don't pay with cash unless you don't need change. Getting change for 18 $20 bills for $8 tickets takes me at least five minutes, assuming I have enough change on hand. And I probably don't.

5. Please only talk to me one at a time because I would genuinely like to get your order right.

6. Don't change your order five minutes after you've ordered. Because it's already in the computer.

There are more, but it basically comes down to this: Yes, I do genuinely care whether I get your order right. I care whether you're comfortable and happy. I care whether you enjoy your night out. If it's necessary, I will get your food recooked, even though 5 cooks will yell at me that the food was just fine. I don't want your drink to go empty or for you to have to look around for me when you're ready to pay and want your plates out of the way. I don't mind taking the time to type in special orders letter by letter. But all of that is going to take time and sometimes patience on your part.

I'm sorry if I sound whiny. The truth is I like my job, and I like more than anything when I surprise one of my guests with excellent service, but sometimes I'm not perfect, and it would be nice if my guests were understanding as well.

Sometimes life isn't fair

2005-06-08T17:28:00.000-07:00

Right, so I know I'm not starving in Africa or in a gutter in New York, but seriously life can really be annoying. Now, 21 days before I move out of my apartment, someone gets wireless internet that I can steal. These people just do it to piss me off. I know it.

Anyway, I was at the Artisan today. (When am I not at the Artisan, you ask. When I'm at Applebee's that's when, but that's not the point.) As always they had a trivia question that asked what a group of leopards is called. Now, I'm not that one guy from Ghost World, so I didn't check right away, but I looked it up a few minutes ago. The answer is a leap of leopards. I bring this up because there is a very cool site which tells you what a lot of plural nouns are called. This is (1) interesting, (2) probably helpful to Chrissy, who needs to know that it's a skulk of squirrels if they ever start terrorizing Sparkle City like they did MU's campus, and (3) vaguely sad that someone put that much trouble into the website and that I took the time to read all of it.

Well, that's it for now.

New and Improved

2005-06-07T17:14:00.000-07:00

I'm brilliant. In the American sense of the word that means I'm a freaking genius. Not in the British sense which simply means that I'm kind of cool, which we all already knew. Why am I brilliant? Because I managed to add permalinks to my blog. Absolutely brilliant.

I've been up to a whole lot of nothing recently. Lots of work. Don't like that place. I love the people. I don't think I've ever been this sad to leave some place I worked forever. Read that again. Forever. As in, the infinite reaches of time will never see me working in the Columbia Applebee's again. That seems unreal to me.

In about 2 months, I'm packing all my stuff up and letting my parents drive it out to San Francisco. Then Ali and I will follow them by plane. I'm going to run away from home. Because Missouri is the only home I've ever really had. Now I'm leaving, and I want to take my mom and my dad and my sister and Chrissy and Tiffany with me. As my mother pointed out (specifically in reference to Chrissy, but the concept can be applied to everyone I know and love right now), people's insistence on leading their own lives can be really annoying.

On that note, I think I'll sign off. Tired, irritated with my alma mater, and wishing everyone would up and go to San Francisco with me.

Let the Truth Ring out!!!

2005-06-06T16:35:00.000-07:00

How much do I love AdFreak for this article about Coldplay? SO much that it's not even funny.

Sorry to anyone who likes Coldplay, but you must admit that they made some dumb statements about their new album and were pretty damn pretentious about how they let critics hear their new album.