Why do my Google searches always end in emotional turmoil and rage?

Someone on the Chris Moore board (I'm not making another link for you lazy bastards, so scroll down) googled "fucktard" (which we pretty much credit Chris with) in the book search. And now so have I. There were quite a few entries. One was Unhinged: Exposing Liberals Gone Wild. Not a nice book for liberals. Kind of pisses me off. So that's our subject for today.

The excerpt which has fucktard in it discusses message boards on FuckYouBush.com "where everyone refers to Bush as a fucktard." They're lovely quotes, available here (though I think you have to have a gmail/google account to view it).

This stupid woman is using Chris' word against us to make us look like we're all crass and crude extremist left-wing psychos. That's not fair, is it? I know when I get frustrated I tend to just say, "Oh, fuck a duck, our president is an idiot." But I mean, what use is reasoned argument against the Word of God as channeled through the White House Ouija Board.

I really don't hate all conservatives. I just think it's so wrong that this woman is judging people for giving vent to their feelings on something this important. I think most of the people who read this blog know that I cried at work in London the day that we knew the election results. I cried when I was arguing with some Christian bitch about abortion (and she felt bad which made me happier about looking like a fucking idiot). To me, and a lot of other people, politics is a really emotionally charged issue. It ties into what we believe is right and wrong. And sometimes, we don't take care to make sure that no one's feelings get hurt.

Anyway, love to hear your responses people. Am I wrong? I mean, at times, I get what the woman is saying, but I really think she's reading too much into sarcasm and venting. Am I overreacting? Obviously, this woman doesn't deserve this kind of time and attention, since she's the kind of person who has nothing better to do that scour the entire internet for things that show how right she is. And Chrissy, is this the conservative Michelle that got all knocked up and shit and had to leave college? Perhaps while she stays inside to breed, her family looks tolerantly upon book learnin' which promotes the cause?

British Guys Mocking my Country Sound Like This

Jeff, one of the guys off the Chris Moore Message Board, composed this excellent song (©2006 All rights reserved. Jeff Yates) which I thought I would share with you.

Also, Chrissy tells me the link below does not go where I think it goes. Sometimes, I'm not too bright. I'll upload the document to my Tripod space and post it again once I have time and a title (she says, as though anyone cares).

Take that stupid genre-hating teacher

I think this may be the first piece of fiction I've started and finished in a year, possibly two. That's sad, but the story's kind of funny.

No matter how provoking pedestrians may be . . .

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon. My car is not a weapon.

Soaring to new lows

I've always kind of felt that I'm way in touch with my inner audience. Big scores in movies get me a gaspy and tensed up because something fabulous is about to happen. I'm not only willing to suspend disbelief through a movie, it's like I've been sitting around all my life to believe in what's going on in this particular movie that I'm watching.

I've kind of secretly felt like this makes me a very interesting person to watch watching a movie. Ali's the same way. Many people will recall the "Simba, it's not your fault!!!" incident when we went to see The Lion King. Others will remember the time that Ali and I went to see Big Fish together. We were mocked for our sobbing and sopping wet faces. ("I'd offer you a tissue, but I'm fresh out.")

The ultimate end of this is that I can be very particular about the reality of books and movies after I'm finished with them. I can remember hearing, "It's just TV!" in my house more often than just about anything that was said. With the possible exception of "Bite me!" I got that way with the book Company most recently. 'Course that's part of the surprise so I can't tell you yet.

My point here is that I just finished watching Elf ($4.99 at my friendly neighborhood Goodwill) and I cried. It's not even freaking Christmas. And I cried a lot. Not just teary-eyed. I was crying.

We've officially soared to new lows.

More of the world in review

I know, you're tired of my lame commentary on movies, TV, and other assorted stuff, but just one more . . . please . . .

So I watched Bewitched. It was so much better than I expected. It was an interesting take on a remake. It also takes a few shots at "cashing in on nostalgia rather than coming up with something new."

But the best thing about it (besides Nicole Kidman, who's always fabulous) was Will Ferrell. Now you guys know I don't say that very often. My usual prescription for Will Ferrell is "take only when necessary." Much like Ben Stiller. So here he is in a lead role, and I love him. I think it's because when he goes really whack at the end, he has a reason. It's not something dreadfully normal that he freaks about just to make a funny. It's freaking weird, and I can see why he's freaked.

I'm just going to use this opportunity to petition the Powers that Be (and no one but Ali would consent to read those books so you don't even know what I'm talking about) for witchhood. I would only use my powers for good. I would work hard and study to become the best witch I could be. I would stalwartly refuse to wear ruby slippers so as not to give an inaccurate idea of my way of life. I would not terrorize "little people." I would not say You Know Who's name out loud. I would not turn small children into toad (I make no promises about mid-sized children, they're really obnoxious). So can I, please? Please, please, please.

Oh, and I further promise to rid the world of vampires, war, smog, mid-sized children, werewolves, hunger, and anybody who didn't think that American Beauty was over-rated. Thank you for considering me for this position.

My plan to make the world a better place . . .

How's everybody holdin' up out there? Seems like I might have outstripped your ability to comment. You doin' okay? You want a SO-da?


Screw it, I tried.


Just finished watching Mr. & Mrs. Smith through Movie Link (with my mama's fab free credits). Good movie. Glad to see Vince Vaughn setting my heart a-flutter like always. ("Why would you bring my mom into this? She's a first-class lady.") I did worry for a while that the movie was going to go all Butch Cassidy and the Sun Dance Kid on me, but all was well. I do have to agree that the amorphous monster that is Brangelina had a lot of on-screen chemistry. Plus, that was the first time I didn't think Angelina Jolie looked weird. And let's face it, Adam Brody looked way hotter than Brad Pitt.

It took me a few times to catch Jennifer Morrison (aka Cameron from House) as one of the assistant girls. She seemed very wooden. It makes me wonder if she was nervous around Angelina.

And speaking of House (we've basically been leading up to this from the get-go), you wouldn't think to look at him that Hugh Laurie needs to spend all his time sans shirt, would you? I mean, I've always thought he was cute, but little did I know. Damn, I mean, DAMN. He had his shirt off last night to do it with his married ex-girlfriend, and that made me happy.

So here's my plan, we get the writers of Underworld, Part Deux (were there writers or did someone just grab a middle schooler's journal before heading to the set?), and we have them start writing House. I know that the quality of the show will go down a little, but the Underworld writers really know how to set the scene so that the loss of a shirt is necessary every 6.5 seconds. The amount of time Scott Speedman spent with his shirt on in that movie was negligible. And there's something in this for everyone. Those poor Underworld writers wouldn't know what to do if there wasn't a girl in a leather jumpsuit and corset (unless she's having sex with a shirtless guy, that's permissible). So what does everyone think? I'd have a pic to get you motivated, but a Google image search for Hugh Laurie naked or shirtless or without a shirt didn't turn anything up. Sorry.

Oh God, I feel like a sports fan . . .

Wow, so I'm noticing that of all the blogs I read(aside from AdFreak of course), I'm the only one who blogged the Super Bowl, and I really went on about it. I'd like to clarify that I was knitting and drinking a Starbucks doubleshot when not writing my reactions (such as they were). I wasn't drinking Bud Light and grilling. I'm just sayin' is all (Oh, God, Chris Moore will be here in a month and a half and I don't have any pop music junk to give to him, wonder if he'd like the Jesus postcard?).

Anyway, wanted to check in to comment on AdFreak's Super Bowl commentary. They were blogging in real-time. I read it after the game had finished and I just want to find out if it's wrong that the only thing I got out of it was that Catharine P. Taylor either doesn't know what peccadillo means or she's just using it in an odd way. The word, in general, means a sin or more uncommonly (IMHO) a flaw. She keeps using it in a place where "peculiarity" or "pet peeve" would make more sense. It's possible she's calling her peculiarity a flaw and thus using the word correctly, but oddly. Still, I do not think that word means what she thinks it means . . .

Please, someone, tell me that I'm not getting stupidly caught up in semantics and that it's annoying when someone uses a word like that multiple times without seeming to know what it means. Right???

Where were the bowls? And why were they so super?

Random thoughts on Super Bowl XL, also known as the day I bought a glue gun and finished my uber-cute bag (yes, I now know none of you stole my yarn needle, STFU already!!):

o The Seattle Seahawks came out to Bittersweet Symphony. That makes them my new/first favorite football team.

o What was up with the freaky Dr. Seuss reading to open the game??? Did the big bad football players need an ego boost? Has anyone studied the effect of the this? Maybe Dr. Seuss could really affect the outcomes of major games. But I’m not sure we should use the Power of Seuss for such tawdry ends . . .

o Does anyone who actually wants to see football enjoy this? There’s almost no football at all. There’s lots of talking, lots of commercials, but it’s like Diet Football.

o Pizza Hut: The Pizza Hut commercial with a play on Jessica Simpson’s terrible version of “These Boots are Made for Walking” sucked. I’m not soon going to forgive her for that one.

o Disney World: I did adore the Disney World commercial with all the football players practicing how they were gonna say “I’m going to Disney World.” Is that because of my age. I was pretty young when that was a big deal. Any other Eighties’ Babies out there think it was really funny? How ‘bout everybody else?

o Budweiser Office Commercial: Not all that funny. Who decided that was Super Bowl material? I guess corporate humor is really hot now. Le sigh.

o Whopperettes: I wasn’t feeling it until they sang about “the freaky King” and did the dog-pile on the bun girl thing.

o Bud Light Magic Fridge/Secret Revolving Wall: Possibly one of my favorite commercials of all time. It’s funny and highlights an actual benefit of the product, ie it tastes good enough to hide and good enough to worship if it spins into your living room.

o Camry Hybrid: Bizarro. Who are these two people with their accents? Why are we watching them?

o FedEx Cavemen: He kicked a tiny dinosaur. And the fact that that’s all I can think probably says something. Whether about me or the effectiveness of the ad, I couldn’t say.

o Diet Pepsi/P. Diddy: No, Jay Mahr, no. Why? Not funny, doesn’t highlight a benefit. Lame.

o Spock for Aleve: Nice “hero” spot. Made me giggle.

o Rooftop Bud Light: It was funnier before the guy fell through the roof. It was enough to have everyone in the neighborhood “fixing” stuff on the roof to go up and drink.

o Diet Pepsi/Jackie Chan: Okay, that was funny. Especially when they used Diet Coke for a stunt double.

o Mustang: Really generic. But at least it wasn’t Celine Dion.

o Clydesdale Football, Streaker: Not all that funny. But I don’t think I’m in the target demographic.

o CareerBuilder Monkeys: I’m never going to tire of the monkeys in the office. And now there’re jack-asses, too.

o Cadillac Escalade: A car is not a dress. It’s not a fashion. Not even to people who have a lot of money. They’re still more concerned about the fact that their car works and is safe. Right?

o Dove Self-Esteem: I love it. I love that there’s a commercial for women on the Super Bowl. I love that they didn’t let the stupid people who criticized their real beauty campaign convince them to do something different. One of the campaigns that I think can make a difference in people’s lives while still being successful as ads, ie they sell stuff. This is what a corporation can do, but usually doesn’t.

o Ford Escape Hybrid: I like Kermit. I like Hybrids. So two-thumbs up.

o Michelob Ultra Amber: That girl kicked that guy’s ass. Go girls.

o GoDaddy.com: Dumb. That’s all they deserve from me.

o Gillette Fusion: Five blades? Five? When will it end???

o Overstock.com: Do they seriously still think that they’re boringly salacious “O” ads are interesting?

o United Airlines: I liked the cartoon look of this commercial. Also, the kind of sentimental feel. I think it’s odd, but cool, that they thought it would be a good Super Bowl commercial.

o Sharpie Retractable: Who doesn’t like pirates?

o Ameriquest: Don’t judge too quickly. I love these ads.

o Nationwide Insurance: I hate Fabio.

o Hummer (aka the only Hummer you’ll ever get): God, I hate to say anything positive
about Hummer, but I like the monster commercial. Funny, a cute story line, and it actually does highlight the benefit of ruggedness. Now if we could just get Hummer owners to take their Hummers off-road with all that ruggedness, say the Marianas Trench . . .

o Toyota Tacoma: I’m tired of the invincible commercials. Mainly because I want to know, are these for real? Because I feel like they’re trying to give you that idea, but I don’t think they are for real. I don’t like to wonder this much about commercials.

o Jack in the Box: I love the quirkiness of these ads. They just crack me up, and manage to get all the info and the big message that they want in because their concept is in style not substance. They can do whatever they want with the format.

o Fidelity Investments: I like Paul McCartney. I liked, “This is Paul. He’s been a . . . . The key is never stop doing what you love.” It just seems to really tap into the feeling of trying to achieve your goals in life. Good job, Fidelity. And, I don’t know if you noticed, but there were no old people holding hands on a beach in front of a lighthouse. This maybe a first for a financial company.

o Budweiser Wave: Very cute. Almost nostalgic.

o Pirates of the Caribbean 2: (high pitched scream) I’m so freaking excited.

o MasterCard MacGyver: Not a bad ad, but damn I’m tired of the Priceless ads. Please, no more.

Aaaaah!

That's a relieved aaaaah! The migraine went bye-bye.

In the meantime, I watched the Wyvern Mystery which is not so good. Despite having Jack Davenport, an exiled Vampire, King Kong's booty call, and some randomly immortal guy. In short, good actors from other movies and shows, but not such a great story. Scary, yes. But good, no.

And I'm just gonna ask this once. If it gets returned, no questions asked. But who the hell took my yarn needle???? Seriously, I wanna finish my bag made of grocery bags and can't. I need to sew on the flower that will function as the button. I need it back.

Revenge is a dish best served with a side of hardware meltdown

So my computer has finally decided to get revenge for all the things I've done to it. Namely stepping on it and scratching it. My mouse and space bar have decided they don't like to work so good. I doubt that any of you, other than Chrissy, can truly understand how frustrating it is to work on a keyboard with a crappy space bar. So I'm seriously thinking it's time to get a job.

I'm also thinking that today is Day Three of a low-level migraine that just won't go away. So sorry for the poor quality of writing.

While I was wallowing in misery yesterday evening, I knitted and watched The Last Starfighter. I always tend to think of that movie as one of the best bad movies of all time. But every time I watch it, I think, it's not really a bad movie. The premise is intelligent and relatively original. There's humor, and drama, and hilarity of a beta unit trying to pretend to be human. I love the beta unit, and if he hadn't driven himself into a space ship to help save the universe, I probably would have married him. He's funny. Definitely worth a viewing if you haven't seen it.

Know what I miss about the good ol' days?

The fact that everyone used to wear tap dancing shoes everywhere in case a burst of random song needed a quick improvised dance to go along with it. Or maybe that's just me watching too many Bing Crosby and Gene Kelly movies. Seriously, though, I can't carry a tune to save my life. Which if I was in an old movie would mean that I could never convey any serious emotion. I'd be a ticking time bomb of repressed angst.

I've been watching old movies from the library again. It's my only means of visual stimulation since no one can tell me what the fuck Fox is doing. I mean, is there an Arrested Development finale coming up? If so, when? And in the meantime, must they mock my pain by filling the cherished spot with Skating with Celebrities? (And by the way, Fox, Dave Coulier? Not a celebrity anymore. And Kristy Swanson, I'm disappointed in you. You kicked serious vampire ass and now . . . ) It's like painting over a Turner painting with a Rothko painting. (And by the way, Rothko, using naked models covered in paint as a brush? Not art, crazy European sex.)

And what's up with House? American Freaking Idol (I thought America was so over that) keeps slithering its slimy slitheriness into House's spot? And we're left wondering, where is Hugh Laurie? Where is Claudio, aka Robert Sean Leonard? I know I could figure all this out with a little time spent on Fox's website, but then I wouldn't have time to write bad-ass blog entries. Isn't there room in the world for both bad-ass blog entries and understanding what the fuck Fox is doing? I think there is.

Oh, and 80 million pointless points to the first person who catches more than one of the four movies somehow referenced by this post. Also, decades worth of props to anyone who can figure out the two movies inevitably brought to mind when Robert Sean Leonard is cross-referenced with vampires in my head.